the economy’s so bad that all the online submarine experts from last year had to become bridge experts
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If you’re looking for someone to drop and spill everything, all the time, I’m your guy.
My wife and I play this fun game at home where one of us says, “Could you watch the kids for a minute?” and runs.
me: i’ll have the mouse, please
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: never mind then, that’ll be way too much food
My son’s name is Miller if you were wondering if I like beer.
I’m no blood spatter expert, but by the look of this bathroom floor, you’re pulling your tampons out way too fast.
I’m sorry I ate your food but you just kept taking pics of it instead of eating it.
i’m vegan but i’m not annoying about it, like i eat meat and stuff
GHOST: I’m here to warn you to change your ways before it’s too late
POLTERGEIST: I’ma open your cupboards
I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus: A Guide For Talking To Your Children About Polyamory
6YO: My tummy hurts
Me: Must be the bag of cookies you ate
6YO: It’s the other one, not my cookie tummy
If you don’t charge your Fitbit, it can’t express disappointment in you.
(after spending 15 minutes ripping a video off instagram and reposting it to twitter) who did this 😂😂😂😂😂
Me: Wanna go out on a date sometime?
Her: Sure, I’d love to
Me: Wtf is wrong with you
beyond meat implies the existence of bed meat and bath meat
0 torches: this is the correct amount for most situations
1 torch: ok if you’re exploring a cave
2+ torches: something bad is happening
[bank holdup]
Bank teller: interesting choice in masks
Me: The box said it moisturizes and cleans the pores
“Pretend to be someone you’re not and receive candy.” Quick: Halloween or Valentine’s Day?
Unless you’re going to tell me there’s a sniper target on me, I can wait for you to finish chewing to hear what you have to say. Thanks.
“don’t try this at home,” i say to a troop of cub scouts as i demonstrate how to escort an elderly person across the street while carrying a mongoose & a cat who hate each other’s guts
There are two wolves inside you
webmd: wolf cancer
Louis Lane “there is no way broccoli is a superfood!”
Broccoli *takes spectacles off*
Louis Lane “My God! Look, it’s a superfood!”
waiter: “anything to drink?”
4 year old: “my mom needs a fucking margarita”
So, yeah, they’re always listening.
Why is no one talking about this?!
If I got a boyfriend I wouldn’t know what to do…
What do they eat? How often do they need to be walked? Can they be house trained?
6yo: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you.
6yo: You’re the best mommy in the whole world!
Me: We may need to work on raising your standards if that’s your definition of “best.”
ME: We’re adopting a baby!
FRIEND: Congrats! Will you need my old baby gate?
ME: [considers summoning a baby] Nah, we’ll get one from this dimension
Goodnight moon. Goodnight cow jumping over the moon. Goodnight space cow preventing other cows from clearing the moon. Goodnight ketamine.
Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.
WIFE: Why is the zoo calling us about a missing coyote?
ME: [bleeding profusely] So… not a dog
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 mins