Ankles by my ears? What is this? Cirque du Soleil??
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“This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you” he said, without even realizing that he was holding the tazer backwards.
[Arrives at work dressed as a sexy kitty]
Boss: *points to memo on desk* “It says no Halloween costumes”
Me: *slowly pushes memo off desk*
[first day as police sketch artist]
“Yes those are dog ears. I wanted to give the killer a touch of whimsy.”
I don’t wanna be an alpha male or a beta male. I wanna be an armadillo so when I’m stressed I can just @ and roll away from my problems
telling all stories about twitter 2.0
#RIPTwitter #TwitterMigration #twitter2.0 #TwitterIsDead
Husband getting dressed:
Me: Purple and green don’t go together.
Husband: It works for the Joker.
Me: My point exactly.
[first day as mortician]
My boss: Find out if they want cremation or burial.
Me: Howdy folks, smoking or non-smoking?
After a long day at work I sat on the sofa in front of the TV.
Sensing I was stressed, my 7 year old sat next to me, smiled, and held my hand.
It’s nice and everything but it was my phone-holding hand.
“I’m soooo tired!”
[lays down in bed]
“I’m soooo comfortable!”
Bladder: Sup bro
her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you
him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags
I consider page 2 of google results the dark web.
Don’t you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?
Gravy boat is a pretty stupid name. You don’t fill a regular boat with water…
“Is this your resume?”
Yes
“It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away?”
Yes
“Welcome to UPS!”
I’m sick of getting woken up at 6am by the bin men. I just want a nice sleep but they always insist that I get out of the bin before they collect it.
15: Geez. You make me never want to have a girlfriend.
Me: Joke’s on you, bud, I make a lot of men decide they don’t want a girlfriend.
Being shitty in a relationship is actually doing the world a favor if your partner is a songwriter
Asking my dentist a question but sticking my fingers in his mouth before he replies
Them: “can you just be cool for like once, maybe?”
Me: *whips a kazoo out from my pocket protector* “say no more my friend… say no more”
Watched a quiet place part 2 tonight and all I could think about was how screwed they all are once that baby becomes a toddler
Parenting is basically just punctuating every conversation with various commands:
“Yes, I like your picture. Put on your shoes.”
“My favorite color is yellow. Finish your breakfast.”
“No, fish don’t snore. Go brush your teeth.”
“I didn’t choose the thug life.” I explain, entering an institution of higher learning.
*at party*
Guy: Want to dance?
Me: I’m sorry but I cannot, in good conscience, leave this cheese ball unattended.
HER: What’re you most afraid of?
ME: *thinking of how terrible it would be if my dog laid eggs that hatched into cats* Losing you, babe.
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2017, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.
Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don’t like you.
I don’t know what’s funnier, the fact that our new broom came with instructions or that my husband is actually reading them
Them: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.