I NEED TO GET BACK TO THE OLD ME WHEN I HAD MY SHIT TOGETHER. I THINK I WAS 7.
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[interview]
BOSS: So I see you majored in communication?
ME: No…miscommunication
BOSS: Your resume clearly says communication
ME: See?
I started this account 7 years ago today. I just want to thank all of you for reading my stuff and never showing up to my house.
GANG LEADER: do these drugs to prove you’re not a cop
ME: how would that prove i’m not a cop?
GANG LEADER: cause cops hate drugs
ME: nonsense. i’m a cop and i love them ah crap
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
This coworker is in a really good mood this morning, so I hacked his Facebook account and wrote “sexy” on all of his wife’s friends’ pics.
5 SECONDS AGO!
What do we want?
TIME TRAVEL JOKES!
When do we want them?
“Dreadfully mediocre.”
“Astonishing lack of imagination.”
“Your child peaked at age 5.”
– why my friends no longer invite me to school plays
You know spaghetti is done when it leaves and takes the kids
Here’s a poem in the shape of a Christmas tree. It’s called ‘Needles’.
how is March already THIS WEEK, I’m still processing the industrial revolution era of 1820-1840
I may not be much of an athlete these days but I can sure as shit jump 6 feet in the air when a spider runs out by my feet.
Him: Correct me if I’m wrong.
Me: Oh don’t worry, I will.
Actually, it’s illegal to be upset if you make a date on Halloween and they ghost you.
Alcohol may not be able to give you a loving hug when you need it but the Liquor Mart employee’s you’re buying it off of sure can.
North Korea is like that annoying kid in high school who was always threatening you with nuclear weapons
“Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?”
*unbuttons pants*
“Not anymore!”
Ask yourself this: will it matter a year from now?
If the answer is yes, I am sorry. You were supposed to say no.
Just learned that the main guy from the Sopranos was named Tony Soprano what’s next you’re gonna tell me the guy from True Detective is called Tony True Detective c’mon
Everyone in the gym on January 1st
“why do women always take sooo long to put their makeup on?” because makeup is war paint for Being In Public, clearly
My wife trusts me with a joint bank account but when I’m loading the dishwasher she always walks in the kitchen “to get something.”
wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?
Is Lent nearly over? I don’t know how much longer I can hold my breath.
[date]
bobby: so what do you do
janet: i’m a beekeeper
oy: hey give those ack
*picks up rotary phone*
Nine (ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta)
One (ta)Murderer: Lol
The hardest part of painting a nude self-portrait is having yourself over for drinks and convincing yourself to take off your clothes.
Can I get a piña colada please.
‘This is Starbucks’
Sorry, can I have venti piña colada.
My issue with Jeopardy is that you never get the sense that the contestants are in any real danger
I’m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist.
Me: I’d like to have this deer mounted.
Taxidermist: But it’s still alive.
Me: I’ll give you two some privacy.