{Reaching adulthood}
ME: Oh, good, turns out no one knows what they’re doing.{2 minutes later}
ME: Oh, wait, seriously?? NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THEY’RE DOING??
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“My god,” I whisper as the food arrives. “Just as the prophecy foretold.”
When people don’t drink coffee, it’s like ok but how do you solve the problem of being awake??
Boy, are you a salad?
Because I don’t want you.
Handshakes should be banned. Touch our naked body parts together for all the world to see? Gross!
[wife checking on me and the kids]
Hello
“I called the house, you didn’t answer.”
I went out.
“Ok. Well how have they been?”
How’s who been?
WIFE: wtf did u spend $13,000 on at walmart?
ME: [brushing my zebra] he just walked by the scanner and i couldn’t put him back
date: do you like a little danger?
me: sure do. danger’s my middle name… unfortunately my first name’s stranger. and your mother probably warned you about me
“Well, first I was afraid… Then I was petrified…”
– Dinosaur explaining how he didn’t survive
I made my son a grilled cheese with three pieces of cheese and he said that’s too much cheese.
Now my wife is mad at ME for ordering a DNA test.
“I don’t care!”, he tweeted, again.
Don’t try to fix your computer the same day you quit drinking. You. Will. Relapse.
I have my hesitations about Paradise City if the first thing you brag about is the color of the grass.
It’s not a hangover. It’s wine flu.
Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.
*changes the spelling of ‘team’ to ‘teaim’*
Well that’s one problem everyone talks about fixed.
I wonder if Sallys parents were like “Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot.”
god: now to create a universe for man, my most beloved creation
lucifer: what if u make like 99.999% of it kill them instantly
god: lol ok
I’m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I unfollow you.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I block you.“A Game of Phones”
[blind date]
her: this is nice, i was worried you’d turn out to be weird or something
me: i lost my virginity on a ghost pirate ship
her: ah there it is
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
“They’re gray with gray stripes”
– me warning my dog about skunks
Do people who bring bikes on the subway know about riding bikes?
Nothing brings a large group of neighbors together like something that’s none of their business.
Her: You like shopping?
Me: Oh god yes!
Her: What’s your favorite place?
Me: The grocery store. There is a whole aisle of just cheese!
been doing nothing but overeating and avoiding exercise since this quarantine started and for the last 10 years before that
Sorting out the photos on my phone now would be too easy. No, I’m going to wait another 5 years for when I’ve got several billion more
Bob the Builder: can we fix it?
Bob’s Wife’s Attorney: please just sign the papers, Robert.
[Inventing Squash]
FRIEND: What are you doing?
ME: I just [smashes ball] really hate this wall
FRIEND: u know what [grabs racket] so do I
“Eww” can be a term of endearment, right?