me, holding a banana pretending to talk on the phone: haha it’s for you
daughter: no I have my own banana
me: haha I know but its like a phone
daughter: how
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…a dentist on a toothpaste commercial with stethoscope around neck…, if my dentist started to listen to my heart I would freak out.
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
Her: Why is that expression on your face?
Me: I’m trying to remember your name.
Her: It’s Kelly.
Me: No that’s not it.
[walking down street with date after dinner]
him: i had a great time
me: yep… [gestures towards garbage truck] welp, this is me [jumps in]
Moving to a new house-
Everyone: “congrats! That’s so exciting! Yay! Great news!”
My dad: “how’s the water pressure?”
“I gave that guys wife a pearl necklace”
-Oysters
I dunno why but this feels like a trap
[entering room bloody and beaten] yeah well you should see the other guy! not a scratch on him. pristine condition. altogether more pleasing to look at. huge muscles
My husband let the batteries die in all the security cameras because he didn’t like seeing his bald spot at a better angle.
Capitalism is controlled by an “invisible hand” that gives most people the invisible finger.
Just donated blood. I hope whoever gets it likes wine.
Imagine “are you ready for some football?” sung to the tune of “Do You Want To Build A Snowman?” Yes I’m trying to ruin this for everyone.
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Listen employers if I could see where I’d be in five years I’d be joining the X-Men not applying for your shitty job.
if i were Will Smith in iRobot, i’d simply defeat the robots by asking them to identify which of the following pictures contains a bicycle
cop searching my car and finding little notes i hid everywhere that say i love the police
Authors, for the love of all things, let your protagonists sleep sometimes.
While everyone is out watching the eclipse, I’m going to launch my career as a burglar.
* shows up with flowers
Wife: Are we going to the hospital?
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he always narrates real life-
ME: she complained
WIFE: see!
ME: she exclaimed
WIFE:
ME: she was speechless
Banana is the quietest snack
I’m going to need a list of snacks that will be there before I show up.
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
{asks friend for help with a draft}
*two minutes later*
‘I’d love to help you, but I honestly have no idea where your thought process is taking us here’Me: “It’s fine, really
…..it’s not you, it’s me!”
[Planning Rustic Vacation]
Me: Should we rent a cabin or a cottage?
Her: What’s the difference?
M: Well, cottages are usually home to witches who eat children; cabins usually contain partying teens who get murdered by a psychopath.
H: I meant in price.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I back into a parking spot at the grocery store when she’s in the passenger seat with cars waiting on her side.
If it weren’t for bad decisions, I’d be pretty indecisive.
Oh, dearest paracetamol,
A mystery to me,
Why sometimes you cost £1.10,
But sometimes 20p.
What doesn’t kill you is coming back later with spiders.
#NoRestForTheWicked