i gotta remember that brevity saves energy and is worth the misunderstandings
You Might Also Like
“Ok, what shall we call these skewers of food?”
STEVE: How about a Kasteve?
BOB: I have a better idea
ME [8:49PM]: on my way, taking a crab
GF [8:50PM]: u mean a cab
ME [8:52PM]: not exactly. be there in several days
Me: you have a bug on your shoulder
Doug: a what?
Me: *clears throat* a boug
*sells “no soliciting” signs door to door
I insist on having my husband talk dirty to me in a Donald Duck voice.
Bugs have antennas so they can get a few local channels for free
Awkward silences? No problem. Just start beatboxing. Does it make things any less awkward? Absolutely not. But it eliminates the silence. Now it’s just awkward beatboxing. You’re welcome.
Me: *patting my wife’s belly* we have something to tell you
Her Mom: what?
Me: *patting her mom’s belly* I have a new disorder that makes me do this
Her Dad: are you serious?
Me: *patting his belly* yes
My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides stay drunk.
Sometimes I pick another language on the ATM to see if I can make it all the way thru.
So I’m still broke, but now also in French.
Judge: And that’s how we’re determining who gets the kids in the divorce.
Edward Scissorhands: *nodding*
Kim Paperhands: No.
You can just tell people you’re writing a novel even if you’re not. There will not be follow up questions.
My daughter made me out to be the villain because I wasn’t going to let her eat a stick of butter for breakfast. Like I was saving it just for me
You say “I ate so much that I’m too full to drink now” I say “poor planning”…
Guy cuts me off in traffic.
I give him the finger.
He gives me the finger.
I give him my number.
We’re married now.
[Waking up]
Me to me: I see my assassin failed.
**both sitting at the pub having a beer**
Me: So. What’d you give up for Lent?
Friend: I gave up drinking.
Me:
Friend:
Me: No.
Friend: I gave up drinking standing up?
Me: Nicely done.
Friend: We should do shots to celebrate….
COP: Is this man bothering you ma’am?
ME: She’s my wife
MY WIFE: [mouthing and nodding yes behind me]
Them: Describe the joys of parenthood in 2 words.
Me: The what?
[at hair salon]
Her (holding up mirror): Look good?
Me: Looks great!!![in car two minutes later]
Me (looking in mirror): wtf did she do to my hair
Because I’m on diet, I only ate half of a donut and saved the other half for 2 minutes later.
If I die, tell them to reconstruct me from sock DNA.
I don’t moan during sex, I prefer to yodel.
[Dance studio]
Instructor: tell us a little about what brings you here today
ME: *opening bag* I was told there’d be salsa
*gets left on read*
my brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itme: “it was fun while it lasted”
getting sucked inside the jumanji game for 30 years is starting to sound pretty good at this point
Pundit being interviewed on the BBC re Windsor Castle: “The Queen and Prince Philip would be here when they weren’t elsewhere.” And you can’t argue with that.
The only thing worse than watching a 30-minute cartoon is not watching it then listening to your kid’s 45-minute recap.