Some of you take selfies from so close up, I’m beginning to wonder if you’re a T-Rex.
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70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.
Walruses? Walri? Walrus?
Anyway…They’ve escaped.
If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
Remember when we thought it would be fun to grow up and have jobs? LOL
*phone rings*
Girlfriend: Hello.
Me: Hi, baby.
GF: Aw, what a nice surprise!
M: I just realized I forgot to say goodbye & I love you this morning.
GF: No, you told me.
M:
GF: You’re talking about the dogs, aren’t you?
M: Are they available?
This is your pilot speaking. We’ll be taking off shortly once our flight crew confirms that this is, in fact, an airplane
[Prison visit]
Me: I finally have a date for my execution
GF: WHO IS SHE
Hot single narcissists in your area want to be rude to you and then pretend nothing happened.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m stupid
“He covers himself in baby powder before we have sex”
HOW ELSE DO YOU MAKE A BABY, KAREN?
You’re never too old or too stupid to become older and stupider
Instead of cars having a warning light that reads “DOOR AJAR”, I think the warning light should say “DOOR’S OPEN, DUMMY.” Then if it’s not shut soon, “YOU’RE GONNA FALL OUT & GET RUN OVER, IDIOT.” Then after a little more time, “NEVER MIND. LEAVE IT OPEN. THIN THE HERD. MORON.”
Imagine burning sage and passing out because you’re the bad energy
I miss my public school gang. We all had leather jackets and rode our bmx’s around town looking for other gangs to fight before it got dark out.
Most of the time we ended up just getting more friends from it.
I don’t know what the 5 love languages are but one of them better have peanut butter inside
“i just followed a pigeon on TikTok,” i say to you as you are in the room with me but you are an alien from space and don’t understand and say “what?” and i point to my phone and say “i subscribed to a pigeon on my phone” and you’re like “ok? is it coming here?”
As a millennial, most people assume I am desperate for praise, but the secret is: I would be totally fine with money.
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle.
sonic has been forcefully and unjustly removed from over 100 public pools. that is his walking speed. he wasn’t even running.
Friend: Can I borrow a pen?
Me: Sure!
*looks in purse*
*pulls out perfume, 17 Hershey kisses, a stapler & a baby goat*
Me: Sorry, no pen. 🙁
experienced cop: it’s ok kid, you get used to it
millennial rookie cop, retching near murder scene: the coffee you brought was not artisanal
Him: [handing me $20] here’s your Christmas present
Me: thanks [handing it back] here’s yours
OH MY GOD I’m not giving you my money!
-my 5 yo replying to radio commercials.
ME: I’ll take it
AUTO SALESMAN: this is the car you drove here
ME: perfect
Rachel Ray now makes cat food with real beef just like the cows my cat would eat in the wild.
I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.
*Walks up to podium*
Hey everyone, sorry my wife couldn’t make it, she’s carrying our first child.
*crowd claps*
He’s 7, he’s just lazy.
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
God said: ‘Let there be Satan, so people don’t blame everything
on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don’t blame everything on Satan”