Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.
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I wondered why my back was so sore until I saw my son jumping rope on a crack in the sidewalk.
I’ve been barred from the local Mexican restaurant for repeatedly bringing and summoning my waiter with my personal maracas
NASA Social Media Manager Considers Himself Part Of Team
What idiot made dessert forks smaller than dinner forks?
*husband lifts up hood of car*
H: Aimee, could you…
Me: *honks horn*
H: *jumps* Damnit Aimee, don’t…
Me: *honk*
H:
Me: *honk*
[wife calls]
did you write “make all the traps from home alone” on the calendar
[me at hardware store holding paint cans and feathers] “no”
Wife: y is a penguin w an umbrella in the-
Me:*points to dog dressed as batman* so Bark Wayne isnt bored
W:
M: he needs an arch enemy, Karen
stephen king’s wife’s name is stephen queen
No I don’t want to “just follow you” give me the damn address.
The only thing I’ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children
Reporter: Is it true you delivered a pig with TWO heads?!
Farmer: Yes I did
Farmer’s second head: WE did
Waiting in the coffee drive-thru line impatiently watching the driver in front of me chatting with the barista and my 12 y/o sighs and says, “C’mon, lady, she’s not your therapist, move along.” Never get between a middle school girl and her Frappuccino.
30% of the world’s coal production is used by Santa to insult our shittiest children
No one ever prepares you for the moment you find out the song you really like is Justin Bieber.
All I’m saying is adults don’t tiptoe nearly as much as Saturday morning cartoons led me to believe.
friend: Are you eating a whole frozen pizza by yourself?
me: It was on sale for $4
friend: I wasnt asking because I thought it was expensive
If you’re smuggling booze into a concert, put the bottle under a handful of tampons and go to the young male bag checker. they get embarrassed and immediately close your bag. works every time — even more so if you’re a dude
Me: have i eaten refried beans right out of the can? yes. did i commit light treason in the 80s using my american express traveler’s checks? maybe. do i try to steal one thing every time i go to the grocery store? absolutely
judge: juror number four, you’re excused
I don’t like Haiku because you have to do poetry AND math.
Me: Let me taste and see how are those fries…
My kid: *speedily swallowing them* no need, I can tell you they are good.
Felt like my car was going to blow over from this wind today. I feel bad for the smart cars that are probably stuck in trees.
#MeanwhileinCanada
My daughter just told me I’m giving her gray hairs and ran for her stress ball so I think I’m finally nailing this whole parenting thing.
I don’t get why you have to call my wife *librarian ignores me while on phone* “your husband is here trying to check out a book about ramps”
Writing a horror book called “Chores you didn’t know existed and were supposed to be doing all along“
Anyone who thinks sorry is the hardest word to say has clearly never tried speaking Welsh.
I changed my name in my daughters phone to God…just texted her and said “I saw that” You should of seen her face. Priceless
Girlfriend: “Does this dress make me look fat?”
Me: “Stop blaming the dresses.
this recipe says red onions are too spicy for salad
Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until Creepy Stan from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.