Best way to find out if you have any cuts on your hands is to make some lemonade.
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My husband gets so cranky when I come home from the pool with only a fraction of the kids I left with
him : can you name the shapes?
me : sure. Sue the square, Trevor the triangle, Richard the rhombus, Harry the-
him : no I didn’t mea-
me : …Harry the hexagon
him: will you just st-
me : Dave the dodecahedron
NEED SOMEONE TO FILM AN ONLYFANS VID WITH ME:
You pretend to be a mover helping me get my things from one apartment to the other. I wear a tiny sundress and you don’t touch me you just move my things. This does not pay
when my four year old asked “mommy does a snowman have 3 balls?” I realized my biggest problem is im just not, nor will i ever be, mature enough to have kids
I am very, very sick but a neighbor just rode his bike down the street screaming “WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY MORE ANIMALS!!!” while being chased by his 3 small children on their (decreasingly smaller) bikes who kept chanting “HAMSTER! HAMSTER! HAMSTER!” and I had to share
*maintains eye contact while slowly eating an unpealed pineapple*
Tony Hawk: *does a 360*
Tony Owl: *does a 360 while doing a 180*
Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes
Me: Someone finally made a documentary about clocks
Friend: Please don’t, please
Me: It’s about time
Ex-Friend: I’ve had it
They say you shouldn’t eat right before bed so now I just wait until I’m in bed.
Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”
2019: Keep the change
(because I’m generous)2020: Keep the change
(because I’m not touching that)
My husband: Okay, bye! I’m headed to play golf.
My kid: bye, Dada! I love you! We’ll always have our memories.
My wife puts her pants on just like everyone else, but when she gets one leg in I push her over while she’s off balance.
“Alexa, yell at my kids to behave every 7 minutes. I’m headed to the bar.”
ME: Your doll is creeping me out! Is it haunted?
NEW MOM: That’s my baby, you idiot.
my cat has the hiccups and he’s trying to lick his own belly and every time he hiccups he looks around like who the hell did that
i bet when fish see it’s raining they’re like “oh cool a refill”
9 times out of 10 my problems can be fixed with something potato based.
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
If I had any self control I’d probably eat that too.
Walking by a jewelry store and admiring diamond earrings:
Friend: Maybe he’ll get you those for Christmas
Me: I’ve been asking for a new potato peeler for the past five years, so I’m guessing that’s a no
Mugger: “Hand over your card and give me your PIN number!”
Me: “My personal identification number number?”
*he stabs me*
ME: hmm…tastes like chicken
MORTICIAN: get out
I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.
Found my cat’s phone, just hundreds of photos of me sleeping. Weird.
If you breakdance you buy dance.
Mixed signals, like when my family members tell me I drink too much all year but on Christmas and my birthday give me cute wine glasses.
*takes off pants*
*crawls into bed*Security Guard- Lady, this is Macy’s
*crawls out of bed*
*puts on pants*SG- Those aren’t your pants
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why did pirates always get just one eye poked out?