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there comes a point in every parent’s life when they consider the possibility that they might need to lower their expectations
Opening a Christian gym called ‘Jehovah’s Fitness’
I’ll be throwing shade, after a quick search of Urban Dictionary.
And then the recipe said “booze optional” and we laughed and laughed and laughed.
“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I did those things online”
My kid: I’M NOT GOING TO BED!
Prison guard: *pinches bridge of nose* Again, this is not up to you.
Me: I’ve decided to be a mermaid so I can sing and swim all day and have a coconut phone
Him: But, you hate coconut?
Me. Why the hell would I eat my coconut phone? Ugh. It’s like you don’t even understand reality.
Might start wearing turtlenecks so that when I want someone to stop talking to me, I can just unroll the neck up over my face
You see a rat stealing pizza, I see a rat providing for his four turtle children
Me to my kids: don’t ever lie
Me serving any kind of meat: it’s chicken
[in car with wife]
“did you take $20 from my purse?”
*sips $3 coffee* no
*gets rear ended and $17 worth of sour candy falls out of glovebox*
“Can you make me look like this?” *shows hairdresser a picture of fire*
My GF called me “behind the times” today. I got so upset, I paused the VCR, paged my friends & asked them to fax me their best advice.
What the world needs now is
a. love
b. sweet love
c. a category in IMDB that gives you a visual height comparison by actor for a given cast in a show
Me: Any deathbed confessions?Him: Wtf I’m just napping
Me: Shhh, don’t fight it. Go into the light
Him: Get that flashlight out of my face
How to sex:
Boy: can I put my finger in your belly button
Girl: sure
Girl: that’s not my belly button
Boy: that’s not my finger
The road to insanity is paved with failed login attempts.
My husband gets so cranky when I come home from the pool with only a fraction of the kids I left with
periods should last only 15 mins. like thanks for letting me know im not pregnant, now you can leave the doors that way.
Cashier: Can I see some ID?
Me *Points to my 13yo son*
Want proof advertising works?
I just bought a Goodyear blimp.
just spilled alphabet soup on my keyboard. I’m so confused
DATING TIP: show her your hula hoop skills. keep adding hula hoops. you’re now a slinky. everybody loves a slinky.
geologists have had it too easy for too long. discover a new rock or i will riot
i put “wake up” and “try to breathe” on my to-do list and long story short it’s 9:30am and guess who’s already had a productive day
Weather channel: It’s going to get up into the mid-30’s this afternoon but it’ll still feel like it’s in the teens.
Me: Literally me.
Apparently everyone in this Court room doesn’t want to play Duck Duck Goose……Excuse me for trying to lighten up this murder trial.
[Home invasion]
Me: isn’t there anything ELSE you want to take?
Burglar: lady I told you I’m married
My toddler is holding a calculator and shouting things at me I don’t understand. I feel like I’m back in my college math class.
[yelling over club music] has anyone seen my tamagotchi