If you don’t cut the cake in pieces and just eat the whole thing, then you only had one piece, right???
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[300 ferrets arrive at funfair]
“You sure about this?”
“I swear to fucken God, dude said there’s a 250ft ferrets wheel here somewhere.”
*at the bakery*
Baker: “I’m sorry. We’re out of buns, but we have other baked goods.”
Me, with my pet anaconda: “Listen, hun…”
Me: Jesus, are these… are these claw marks in the sand?
Jesus: I put you on the back of an emu lololololol
What a kind woman! 😂😂
Every time I play guitar at home, my wife goes looking for a cat we don’t have.
parents: you are what you eat
kids:
I’m a people pleaser, unless you don’t like that. Then I’m not.
PROPHET DANIEL: Behold! the fourth beast had ten eyes and ten horns. Even the horns had eyes
KING BELSHAZZAR: do you even hear yourself Dan
[game night]
date: do you have siblings?me: *flips table*
date: so you’re the youngest
DOG COP: sir, you ran a gray light
DOG DRIVER: it was gray!
COP: no, it was gray!
DRIVER: gray!
COP: *starts barking*
DRIVER: *barking*
Can you rent a shark? It’s time sensitive
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
The lady behind me in the drive-thru honked impatiently so i paid for her order. When she pulled up to the 1st window to pay, her expression was priceless. Then I picked up both orders at the 2nd window and drove away
“I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In” is my favorite Taylor Swift song about a racist shop owner.
The goldfish was a little sick so I dripped some steroids in her bowl and now everything is hunky dory.
[bed]
ME: [with one foot poking out of the covers] Monsters could get me
ME: [pulling foot under covers] I am now completely safe
Not even the staff thought I’d be getting out of the hospital this early – I snuck a peek at my chart and the nurse had written “unusual discharge”
5y/o just told me he’s not afraid of ghosts because “they’re not even alive”
whoa whoa whoa we both like to laugh?!
*pretends hand is a telephone*
“Hello, Las Vegas? One marriage, please!”
The good news is it wasn’t a bug. The bad news is I beat the crap out of a black bean on the floor with my shoe.
“Moo.”
– hipster sheep
That awkward moment when you flirt with a guy whose staring at you in the Waffle House, but really he just died there with his eyes open…
[Asking for Sanctuary at the church]
Priest: your girlfriend finally heard that La Cucaracha horn you put on her car?
Me: yeah
HEY JUST BECAUSE YOU HAD A KID DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STOP POSTING PICTURES OF YOUR DOG
I may be getting old but not “doesn’t know what day of the week it is” old. I can tell by which day I open on my daily pill organizer.
Do you think Jesus described his hair color as light blonde or summer wheat?
Christmas always sucked when I was a kid because I believed in Santa Claus, and unfortunately, so did my parents. #Christmas
i transcended “cat lady” 10 cats ago, i’m now “cat mother goddess” in some select circles. so worship meow!
3-year-old was singing quietly into a banana and without looking up from his video game, her brother said “It’s not on. You have to turn it on.” So she pressed an alleged button on the banana and now she’s singing very loudly into it? Huh
I’m so tired of all this cheap chicanery! Sir, where do you keep the expensive chicanery?