When I told my parents over the phone that my husband has the flu, my dad said “Have you tried euthanasia?” and in the background my mom yelled “For the last time, it’s echinacea!”
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Mom: how’s your little cult thing going honey?
Me: [sigh] mom Twitter isn’t a cult.
Dad: it sounds like a cult to me.
Mom: 80k people follow him Harold.
Me: seriously not a cult.
Dad: what do you call all those people?
Me:
Mom:
Dad:
Me: my followers.
TEACHER: and James, what does your daddy do?
JAMES: he’s a-
ME, still undercover: A DRUG DEALER I’m a drug dealer
Some kids pranked a school board meeting on some Bart Simpson shit and I am crying!! 😭😭😭😭
[at a funeral home]
ME: One death please
Dear rock bands,
If I am at your show, assume I am both ready and willing to rock. No need to ask.
It’s terribly sad, but the fact that the graphic had to be added is due to the shockingly low literacy rate among geese.
Shout out to my buddy who wears a Toronto Blue Jays hat bc he’s “not so much a fan of THE Blue Jays as much as blue jays in general”
[dog park]
Dog: omg I just found out I’m adopted
Other Dogs: [barking in shock]
I THOUGHT IT WAS AN EDIBLE
[me telling my story how I survived a plane crash and lived on a deserted island for a year] it was crazy
[friend who once got a text from me where I accidentally called the grinch the grink] was the grink there?
Okay hear me out. A morning after pill. But for calories from a heavy dinner.
Twitter should have ” Throwing tomato” button.
Psychologist: I’m going to lift this shade and you’ll see you are NOT a vampire.
Man: No!
*lifts shade and the sunlight ignites the man into a screaming inferno*
Nurse: *screams*
P: He convinced his body to do that.
N:
P: I’ve seen it before, Brenda. He’s the 9th this week.
I’m tired of people saying “here’s my go to lazy meal” and then they start chopping an onion
Mugger: give me everything you got
Spice Girls: Oh tell me what you want what you really really want
Mugger: ok nevermind
I always thought animal husbandry referred to the level of assertiveness I was expected to bring into the bedroom after I got married
the most important thing i learned from kermit the frog is that you can have a pretty good life without ever putting on pants
Hot singles in your area are eating chili.
Welcome to your 40’s…you can now use this as an excuse not to help a friend move.
[Jesus on a blind date]
Christians: “Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture”
Why do they call it sweeping the leg and not defeeting your opponent?
“tell me doc, is it bad news?”
“you’ve got piles”
…
“piles of health that is! LOL”
…
“except in your legs. gonna have to amputate those”
It doesn’t matter how many signs I put up around the office, HR said high five a co-worker in the face with a shovel day isn’t a thing.
scientist: the production of cereals l is destroying the seas. Soon there will be no seas left
aptain runch: why do I always get blamed?
sientist: ause it’s your fault
[olive garden]
waiter: when you’re here you’re family
me: cool can I borrow some money
waiter: please leave
When you go out with a couple on the brink of divorce.
All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.
Can I still watch 300 if I haven’t seen the first 299
ME: you have to go to college
SON: but why though?
ME: to be able get nice things *shows him my watch* you see this?
SON: yeah
ME: I stole this from my roommate freshman year