Maybe just avoid festivals named Fyre or Burning or anything fire related
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me: “so when do you think we’ll see a big hairy boy?”
my hunting partner: “please call them bears”
Hey kid.. don’t let your mom tell you that you need to wait an hour after eating to go swimming. I used to eat Philly cheesesteaks IN the pool. Everything is fine.
It’s great that interstates have rest areas. But things like Wednesdays really need rest areas too.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.
If you haven’t met someone, don’t despair.
There are plenty of salmon in the cannon.
I love a relaxing bath at the end of the work day but it makes the other people in the office uncomfortable.
[ creating bats ]
god: well we already made birds
angel:
god:
angel: what if they were goth
god: omg what IF they were goth tho
I never understood how Scooby and Shaggy could be convinced to do something they didn’t want to do with just a Scooby Snack until my wife said she’d make me a cheese platter if I cleaned out my closet.
I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.
Men over 35 are terrible at sharing their momma’s secret recipe for her most requested dish.
And now we wait.
Ex: Do you ever think of someone else when we have sex?
Me: No, it’s always George Clooney.
I wonder what part of the cow is the Salisbury?
A techno song lasted longer
than my first marriage
“I maul out of love” – Bear Supply
I’m starting an emu farm and calling it ‘no fly zone’ so the birds don’t feel bad.
“did you ever get married?”
[wife looks around her old gym at high school reunion and sees me debating if I can touch the rim] no
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.
For a while after my wife left me I found it really difficult to listen to any of ‘our’ songs. She’d taken the entire CD collection with her.
My husband picks fights with me like he doesn’t even value half of all his assets.
Me: lets go get a drink!
Friend: what’s the occasion?
Me: …
Friend: …
Me: I don’t understand the question.
[my husband who is a bodybuilder divorcing me]
Me: *explaining to lawyer* I misunderstood cheat day.
[Amphibian Playground]
BULLFROG: look at all u lil toad nerds
TOAD: help! a BULLYfrog!
TEACHER SNAKE: i’ll handle this *eats everyone*
Two squirrels in the backyard. But they are not playing together. Wonder if there’s history.
Lucky old June.
Trolling my FB friends by commenting “Looking good ;)” on solo pics of their husbands
She’s carrying a torch for you because her flamethrower’s in the shop.
Trebek: This Disney movie starred Elsa & Anna.
Me: Frozen.
Trebek: In the form of a question please.
Me: Do you wanna build a snowman, Alex?
When I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say “oh, I thought she was already dead”
Pre-surgery instructions: Do not wear makeup the day of surgery.
Surgeon: But I want to look pretty.
When I awoke from the car accident in a full bodycast, my wife was right at my bedside to let me know that childbirth is still more painful.