Upon graduation from the University of Phoenix, do they just send you a screencap of your degree?
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Facebook friend: What a busy day! Aydyn had a soccer tournament and then we completely remodeled the kitchen, then we did a 20 mile bike ride and finished the day with reading 15 chapters of a book!
Me: *is impressed that I actually finished reading her post*
My daughter came downstairs an hour earlier than normal this morning and caught me hiding eggs. I had no choice but to tell her the truth: I woke up early to steal the candy that the Easter Bunny had left her.
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
I’m not sure if this snake is trying to ask me a question or if he’s just eaten a candy cane.
“Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”
I love babies cause they just cry upon waking up and it’s so honest
Lmfaoooooo
I got mad when my gum lost its flavor. I chewed it out.
Car commercials grossly overestimate how much time I spend driving around in the desert
My upstairs neighbours are absolutely nailing their blacksmithing class.
As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.
Don’t make me mad or I will replace all your gummy candies with fiber gummies.
Only rings I’m interested in are made from onions.
dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests
date 5: i don’t think the moon is real
Him: It’s been 20 minutes! I know what you’re doing in there! Stop it!
Me: *in shower* No! I’ve waited all day!
Him: Don’t do it! Get out!
Me: *touching my face* You can’t stop me!
[getting murdered]
“Listen, I make a badass grilled cheese if this can wait?”
My girlfriend is pissed that I just matched with her on Tinder.
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t want none unless you got goats, hon
If you offer me celery I’ll use it as it was originally intended, to beat you with.
Me, an intellectual: A spam and banana sandwich would be called a spamananawich.
Two companies that hate each other? Probably KIA and …Nokia
One thing they teach in nursing school is when your patient is being questioned by police, to step in with “that’s enough for today, he needs to rest” right after he gives a key piece of information, but one sentence short of him telling the whole story.
my mother is taking me to see the monday matinee showing of the barbie movie as a mother should.
I can’t remember the ending of one single movie I’ve seen since they started selling booze in theaters.
I’m ‘confuses systems of measurement’ centimetres old.
“I love having my toddlers surprise me by joining my shower. Not only is it relaxing and efficient, it’s eco friendly.”
SAID NO MOM EVER
Being a parent is kind of like being a Scooby Doo villain. I would’ve gotten away with so many things if it weren’t for these meddling kids.
Me: (watching MST3K) What do you mean you don’t like it?! If you were trapped in deep space with just two robot friends, what would YOU do?
Her: That’s not important.
[Cave, present day]
Archeologist [Finding a cave painting]
Wow! This is incredible![Cave, thousands of years ago]
Caveman [Finding paint smeared on wall]
What the…KIIIIIIIDDDDS!
My Fitbit is just a wristband that says “keep walking”.