Me: *showing photos on my phone* that’s my daughter in her play, and that’s my son covered in mud
Colleague without kids: *pointing at his phone* this is me in the Bahamas, and that’s my Porsche
Me: Let’s not do this anymore
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HEY OFFICER, STOP SCREAMING AT ME TO PULL OVER, I’M DRUNK NOT DEAF
I feel kind of sad that in some countries children are starving and I’m over here eating spiders in my sleep like a god damn glutton.
You know you spend too much time online when you’re looking for a suitcase to pack for a vacation with your girlfriend only to find out she took it when she moved out.
whelp that’s enough instagram for today
The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.
mom, did you know there are more kids than teachers at my school?
-my 7 year old making the best of her public education
i think it’s pretty cool that we can all agree on the most fucked up thing of the past decade.
it wasn’t ebola
it wasn’t trump
it wasn’t even blake shelton getting sexiest man of the year
it was that damn U2 album that apple decided to just download to everyone’s iphone
interviewer: what are some of your strengths
me: i’m really good at making people question their reality
interviewer: what does that mean
me: [slightly tearing up] you really don’t remember the accident do you
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can communicate telepathically?
ME:
IN: Is this an ability you have always had?
ME:
IN: Please say something.
detective: looks like the victim was pushed into the pond, let’s go pull him out
[ducks under the police tape]
detective: and get these ducks outta here
Him: Do that thing I hate
Me: Tries to answer his hypothetical questions
Physiotherapist: So tell me how you injured yourself?
Me: Rock climbing.
PT:
Me:
PT:
Me: *whispers* taking off my sports bra.
Me: I’ve got mismatched socks do you think that’s ok
Wife: I don’t think anyone’s gonna notice
Me: I’m gonna tell em
Independence Day was basically aliens blew shit up and then we gave them a copy of Windows and won the war.
40ish year old me thinks 18ish year old me should’ve planned something better with her life.
Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.
isaac newtown got hit in the head & invented calculus. i broke my nose last night when I was drunk & invented a louder version of crying.
If you’re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.
*puts on strapless bra
*takes an extra Prozac
I’m sick and tired of being the only person who cooks, cleans, and pays all the damn bills in this house.
I live alone, but still.
dog: [watching me take a shit] awkward, isn’t it
[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back
the cat won’t stop drinking out of my water glass I have tried everything I have tried “hey” and even “Hey”
Every parent who has picked up a toddler and taken them away from a playground while they kick and scream and cry is legally allowed to put “bouncer” on their resume’s work history.
I just want to be rich enough to say “that won’t be necessary” when the police go to handcuff me
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
My cat has Peta on speed dial in case the day should ever come when his pillows aren’t properly fluffed or his filtered water grows tepid.
I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.But no, she’s still alive.
Whether it’s aliens or zombies, the importance of a head start cannot be overstated.
Welp, there’s definitely something writhing under your porch. I won’t know ‘til I get in there whether we need to set traps or call the diocese.