Elections?Vote for pizza. Throw the pizza slice in the envelope. Not all of it silly! Just a little corner will do. Eat the rest. As usual
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I was ringing this 0800 number for two days before I realised it was their opening hours.
[opens fortune cookie]
“Your debit card will decline, leave once the waiter goes to the kitchen and wait for further instructions.”
Be like a cat and never give up on closed doors.
Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
No mate, sounds shit.
This all started with Meghan’s friend setting her up on a blind date with Prince Harry. My friends are actually useless.
*ernest hemingway voice*
[cabin rentals]
DESK CLERK: You want cabin #5 or #6?
ME: What’s the difference?
DESK CLERK: Mostly just the names.
ME: What’s #5 called?
DESK CLERK: “Eden in the Woods.”
ME: And, #6?
DESK CLERK: “The Bear’s Lunchbox.”
ME: I think #5.
DESK CLERK: Smart choice.
I can tell by the dents & busted tail light on your car you are serious about making this lane change work for you come Hell or high water.
I washed my sports bra with the Fitbit still attached and won first place in all my challenges.
Immediately pulled out of any TV show if there’s a bookcase in the background. “Why do they have two copies of Twilight Eclipse!?” I yell at my wife as she Googles divorce lawyers…
“dogs are better than cats they crap outside” yeah except if my cat has to crap at 1am he can just go but if my dog needs to I gotta get up out of bed and let him out like that is not superior
I donate blood 5 times a year just so I’m less and less related to some of my relatives.
Me: *driving kids to school unshowered*
Anxiety: What if you crash and the first responders realize you haven’t showered?
ME: goodnight honey
WIFE: goodnight
EVIL BULLFROG THAT LIVES UNDER OUR BED: *angry ribbit ribbit*
BOTH OF US (in unison): goodnight evil bullfrog
*happy ribbit ribbit*
Me: I’d like to see your music zebras
Piano salesman: Please don’t, I’ve had a long day
I beg your pardon?
me: *turns around in swivel chair*
*tents fingers*
I guess you never expected to see ME again…
Boss: Must we do this every Monday?
Disappointed it’s raining this weekend
Was totally going to do that job I’ve been putting off for 6 months
Has anyone seen my jacket? It’s white with sleeves that make you hug yourself and a cute belt.
Bond. Trauma bond.
“I’ll see you in hell” should be followed with “and I won’t even stop to say hi”. Otherwise you’re just making plans with someone you hate
In order to catch herpes…
You need to think like a herpe.
I make all my clothing choices based on what I would look like if I’m unexpectedly asked to bounce on a trampoline at some point in the day.
Teachers: “AI is a disaster, how am I going to know who is cheating?!”
Students:
Got fired from the petting zoo for giving the rabbits birth control.
Me: I miss sushi
Also me: eyeballing your aquarium
Me: *buying 50lb bag of chicken food*
Cashier: Do you have chickens?
Me: Loving this juice cleanse.
Wife: That’s sangria.