*hot girl puts a cherry stem in her mouth*
*twists it around with her tongue*
*pulls it out*
*it spells “I LIKE YOU AS A FRIEND”*
You Might Also Like
[texting]
me: touching my duck n thinking of you
her: gross, go to hell
me: *patting my duck’s head* don’t worry quack sparrow, she didn’t mean it
Just ate the last slice of pizza and I wish there was more. Suddenly all of Taylor Swifts songs make sense to me.
I’ve eaten so much Easter candy..that at this point I’m positive i’m ovulating Reese’s eggs.
Me: I am a man of substance.
Motion-activated faucet: No.
If we keep building giant walls at the border to Mexico it’s only a matter of time before natural selection gives us giant Mexicans.
I used to work out because I wanted a hot body. Now I work out so I don’t have to hide bodies.
That bear was just minding its own business. You brought that granola bar into the situation. Should have brought enough to share.
When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word “fungus.”
{If autocorrect was a person}
ME: I think that’s right.
AUTOCORRECT: It’s not.
ME: Then what is it?
AUTOCORRECT: I don’t know, dude. Aubergine?
ME: You think I meant aubergine?
AUTOCORRECT: Look, I know literally all of the words, and that was none of them. Maybe this is on you.
Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.
[my daughter asks for her 2nd apple of the day] oh look it’s the apple monster *fun growl sounds*
DAUGHTER: daddy does God ever go hunting
Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun
My 5-year-old told me to take the pizza out of the oven before it burns. I told her that I know what I’m doing and please don’t tell me what to do. I forgot about the pizza and ummm… I don’t think I’ll ever recover from this.
I just want a stalker that will power wash my deck while I’m at work
Her: undress me with your words
Him: I just saw a spider go down your top
Life Lessons from the Petting Zoo:
-Everything bites
-So much pushing
-Did you bring quarters?
-OMG, goats have the weirdest pupils
This milk is so far past its expiration date that I’m only going to have a small slice.
Malicious compliance at its best. Reap what you sow.
My friend and I have a pact that if we’re not married by age 40, we’re going to fist bump and take shots for making good decisions
dammit i HATE this slowass coffee machine [gandhi walks into breakroom] and not finding strength in my suffering. also hate that. mornin sir
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
your elf on the shelf was delicious
Cross a mobster in the streets. Horse’s head in the sheets.
7: are eggs vegetables?
10: no! and they’re not fruit either, they’re children!
fortune cookie- You will not die alone but with many many cat…
cat: LOL THAT’S SO YOU!
I get about your body being a temple but… right now I wanna turn mine into a bouncy castle, it sounds more like fun. I’m all about fun.
[text from wife]
I want a divorceMe: *stands up at desk* YES!!!
*starts breakdancing*
*books trip to Bahamas*
*kisses Carol in accounting*
*goes into boss’s office* I QUIT!!![…typing]
Haha, April fools
canadian assassins are called killergrams
I was thinking about drinking less beer but I knew I couldn’t do it if I always have cold ones ready to go.
It was self a self fridge-filling prophecy
if I were a british cop I would say “wots all this then” so freaking much.