If I don’t wake up with Britney Spears’ body circa “I’m a Slave 4 U” and a rich handsome boyfriend then I KNOW Santa’s not real.
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Comedians should be funny (agree with my politics) instead of being political (not agreeing with my politics)
I told my 2yo I was coming to his preschool holiday party and he looked really worried and said, “but what chair will you sit in?” Glad to know anxiety about literally nothing is genetic.
[being murdered]
Mailman: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
My Dog: if only someone had indicated on multiple occasions that the mailman was bad OH WAIT
“machines will soon be as smart as people” ok but WHICH people
“[I] broke up with him because I was sick of justifying his trench coat to my friends” – Overheard on the bus
If the couch is barking, you’re sitting on the dog.
[vet school]
ME: Welcome, students. Hope you brought textbooks because-
[spins cat on finger like basketball]
-I have no idea what I’m doing
Web MD should go ahead and sell caskets.
When my kids ask me anything before coffee
For cardio, I attempt to swallow vitamins, while holding a cup of piping hot coffee.
5-year-old: I missed chicken nugget day at daycare.
Me: So?
5-year-old: My life is falling apart.
[Zoo]
Visitor: “I like that cage labelled ‘World’s most dangerous animal’ and it’s just got a mirror in it”
Zookeeper: “Yup, thought-provoking stuff. *Whispering into phone* The leopard’s escaped again”
Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated…go figure.
The trend of people going back to film cameras is a great reminder that new technology isn’t the best for everything, and also that not everyone is good at photography.
“I wanna know who is responsible for this!”
-Me to my parents, while pointing at myself.
Him: Every Christmas we have pigs in blankets
Me: What a terrible way to talk about your relatives
A disloyal friend will shank you without hesitation, but a really good friend will think long and hard about it and then shank you.
*waving arms wildly* holy shit whose arms are these?!
*cop pulls me over*
Cop:Had a bit to drink tonight?
Me:What makes you think I’ve been drinking?
*cop leans over and turns off lawnmower*
Friend: my wife & I had our son very young
Me: so did we, he was just a baby
Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.
My eldest nephew is on the spectrum, and his one-liners are iconic.
My mom told him, “I’m disappointed in you.”
He looked at her and replied, “Well, let’s hope you get over that feeling by tomorrow.”
That was 5 days ago. She has yet to provide a proper reply LMFAO
If they ever invent time travel my dad would still insist on leaving early to avoid traffic
Missing someone is tough but you move on eventually & I’m no longer allowed to chaperone field trips.
It’s that time of year again when I should really check in on my friends with pools or boats to see how they’ve been since last summer.
My mother had eight kids and she’d buy a box of six Pop Tarts. Don’t tell me about your childhood problems.
Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money.
I’m beginning to think some of you are not your Avi’s, which makes me sad. I thought I had a unicorn and dinosaur friend.
My entire life is like that scene when Edward Scissorhands discovers a waterbed