Someone once told me “If you love something, set it free”. I told them not to mind about those noises coming from the basement.
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I just leaped over a 3ft tall dog gate with the skill and grace of an olympian to get a snack from microwave.
*Adds track star to resume*
Date: Cat-callers disgust me.
Me: [hastily returning phone to pocket] Oh haha yeah me too.
My cat: *at home by the phone worried sick*
Sometimes my memory is not quite as good as my forgettery.
I really love sarcasm.
It’s like punching people in the face but with words.
If the sun is so hot how come it’s single
Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week
1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow
Travel bloggers during quarantine
Me: *scrunches my face*
13: Your forehead looks like one of those people from Star Trek.
Me: *gasps* HOW DARE YOU!… you know we’re a Star Wars family.
I used to think “platitude” was just a really cool platypus.
We talk a big game for a species that has a favourite cup
As a Dad, you always want your kids to be prepared for real life, that’s why trolling them is so vital.
Date – “so they had no other chairs?”
Me [sitting on an alpaca] “no”
When I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say “oh, I thought she was already dead”
Jokes about communism aren’t funny unless everybody gets them
If you see your ex, wrap your hands behind your neck and pretend you’re making out with someone. That’ll show him you’re still crazy AF.
On the maternity ward is one place where you should never silence push notifications.
My doctor says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body helps prevent cellulite.
Apparently, you can’t do it in Starbucks.
And now the cops are here…..
We’ve come full circle
Classified ad:
Hunter seeks gatherer for nasty, brutish and short relationship. No weirdos.
*bank robbery*
ROBBER: nobody moves, nobody gets hurt!
ME: *gazing tearfully at a pic of my long distance gf* too late
I’m getting really fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £12 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
🙁
turn that frown upside down
):
We spent $12,775 on daycare last year, for anyone currently using the pull out method.
*turns TV off*
“THEY HAD CAMERAS EVERYWHERE BUT NOBODY SAW THE TOYS WALKING AROUND?!”– me every time I watch Toy Story 3
Baby sharks can hunt for food as soon as they are born and my children cannot find their underwear drawer.
ROOMMATE: Big date later?
ME: [combs hair] Yes
R: Where?
M: [fixes tie] The woods
R: Is it with a bear again?
M: [dabs honey behind ears] No
How much wood would Steve Winwood win if Steve Winwood could win wood?
therapists should give you a discount if you make them laugh in session
replying “so true bestie” every time a man tells me i’m pretty
Farmer: Netflix and till
Moonshiner: Netflix and still
Estate planner: Netflix and will
Dentist: Netflix and drill
Attorney: Netflix and bill
Mountaineer: Netflix and hill
Doctor: Netflix and ill
Pharmacist: Netflix and pill
Jack: Netflix and Jill