Anime henchmen two seconds after the protagonist resheaths his sword
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doctor: I’ll need you to remove your underpants
me: *taking underpants off my head* fine
I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.
Me high af: are you in line?
Mannequin:
“What does your mother do for a living?”
“She sells shesells…I mean…Sea sells sea shells…dammit! She’s…a beachside entrepreneur.”
i was gonna go to work today but i lotioned after my shower and now i can’t get my jeans on
My Secret Santa gave me a McDonald’s gift card because they took one look at me.
When my wife got her tongue pierced I asked her why? She said To enhanthe the thektual thimulation.
You do the load of laundry that you have, not the load of laundry that you want.
On the plus side, I don’t think anyone will ever again use the term “staycation.”
I spoke to my doctor and he said, “if you drink every day you are an alcoholic.”
I’m lucky, I only drink every night.
Boyfriend walked into the bathroom as I was taking a tampon out.
He screamed: PLEASE SAY IT ISN’T LIT! I DON’T WANNA GO OUT LIKE THIS!
Never confuse a colostomy bag with a whoopie cushion.
Totally ruined Grandpa’s 90th birthday.
If someone came to my door & said “We’ll give you a dollar for every plastic bag shoved under your kitchen sink.” I’d be living large.
Bay: come over
Me: no, I’m watching TMNT
Bay: I made one too
Me: but it’s awful
Bay: come watch it
Me: who gave you my number, Michael
the problem with being 39 is i don’t feel old but also everywhere i go plays the music too loud
Cucumbers Anonymous
Not saying I say dumb things when
I’m nervous but I once asked a date “so what’s new in history?” When she told me she taught it to kids.
I have a mice problem so I lay out tiny red and blue bandanas in hopes they start a west coast/east coast thing and take care of each other.
dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you’re cooking and you accidentally boil him with the noodles
*rings bell*
“Can I help you?”
Yes I’d like a dragon on my back an-
*starts pooping on a crucifix*
WTF? *checks sign on door*
“Taboo Artist”
My mother always cooked with wine
while I was growing up back home.Occasionally she would even add
some to whatever she was cooking.
Kentucky names the shit out of places
I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?
When I’m depressed I like listening to Alanis Morupset
DOORDASH: imagine a $12 sandwich
ME: Damn I bet it’s so good
DOORDASH: now imagine you can have it for just $27
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
My phone just changed, ‘calendar’ to ‘cake radar’ and now I really wish I had that.
Getting a cat is SO much easier. Go outside. Put cat food out. Pet whatever comes to eat it. Best 30 raccoons I’ve ever had. Also rabies.
GENIE: You can’t wish anybody would fall in love with you.
ME: What if everybody just disliked me less?
GENIE: Sure.
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE: Okay technically I should be able to do this but it’s not working.
My 10yo just RickRolled me so I’m busy choreographing a first day of middle school flash mob to teach this twerp a lesson.