*wakes up due to construction noise*
*tosses and turns all pissed off*
*finally decides to get up*
*construction noise stops*
You Might Also Like
Exciting news: I got invited to be on a heist team. Not sure what I’ll be doing exactly but being a “fall guy” sounds important.
Hey, my eyes are up here.
Nope. Higher.
– snails, probably
Everyone has at least one closet that feels like it was set up by Kevin McCallister in Home Alone.
I just opened the closet to get the vacuum cleaner and a muffin tin fell on my head, two sheet pans landed on my feet and a broom handle tipped out and impaled me in the stomach.
Just seen a really sad documentary on the telly about a guy who works 60 hours a week crushing drink cans. It was soda pressing.
HR: No. 1 asset u would bring to Verizon customer support?
Applicant: Integrity
HR: Seriously?
A: No.
HR: Hired!
After I dropped my daughter off at college, my youngest son said “We’re finally empty nesters. Let’s start traveling”.
[1890s guy] I gotta stop looking at my candle before bed
*sadly removes MY KID IS AN HONOR STUDENT bumper sticker and replaces it with MY KID SUCKS AT FORTNITE*
I was so tired that I failed a stupid captcha test 3 times in a row yesterday & if that’s not human, I don’t know what is.
Pretty upsetting that during such times some people are still refusing to take their work home with them, like my kids’ nanny
H: Do you like carpet or prefer it bare?
M: I’m OK with a little carpet of she shaves the rest
H: We’re talking about floors
M: HR again?
age 1: goo googa
age 2: im a babada da
age 3: thank god i can finally speak. listen, i’ve been observing u for 3 years now. what are u doing
Coffee so strong, it still works even though you’ve disabled java.
Every birth announcement I see the parents are like “we’re already so in love!” Just once I want a “she seems chill but we’ll see what happens”
Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?
Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.
Husband: wanna have a quickie?
Me: As opposed to what?
I like to live on the edge by taking my kids for a haircut and then going home to show my wife what I let happen
A woman told me at dinner she liked me because I’m “not afraid to eat bread”–so I’m done with socializing for at least a year thanks
People who like to ask, “What do you like to do for fun?” are the reason I carry an air horn in my purse.
I got a new skirt, can you see my underwear? *cartwheel*
No.
How about now? *handstand*
I’m sorry ma’am, you need to leave the library.
“I got this”
-hypochondriac reading Web MD
Me: there’s only one thing about Halloween that really scares me
Her: which is?
Me: exactly
Stop bringing shitty Bluetooth speakers on hikes. No one came to the woods to hear you listen to Katy Perry
Half way through the movie, I brought some popcorn downstairs for the kids & realized I rented the wrong Black Stallion DVD.
Have kids so you can find a banana peel in your washing machine AFTER you washed your clothes.
If you call & I don’t answer, I’m not dead, I’m napping.
– Things I have to say to my mom
I just convinced my toddler to play Rock Paper Scissors alone because she was cheating and she just quit against herself because she was cheating
“you’re too pretty to be so sad.”
aww well you’re too cognitive to be so ignorant, but here we are.
I like my salad like my poker opponents – obscured from view by a massive f****** pile of my chips.