Facebook: Here’s some other people you might know
Me: Oh yes! I do know them!
Facebook: Do you want to add them as friends? 🙂
Me: oh God no
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Some people will tell you mosquitoes and spiders play an important role in nature and I’m here to tell you we don’t need those people either
6-year-old: Santa’s not real.
Me: That’s right.
6: So I can be bad.
Me: That’s wrong.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name.
Apparently, this is how the world ends.
Schools be like: make sure to buy your kid a glue stick that we will never use
This is the way the world ends.
Not with a bang but with a Zoom meeting that never ends due to technical issues.
8, to his teacher: …and there was this old man who used to park his van by the woods at the lake so one day Mom let me go in it because he said if I went inside, he’d show me his empanadas…
Me: IT WAS A FOOD TRUCK
Someone being big spoon for me is not enough. I need to get ladled.
Husband: What kind of toothpaste should I get?
Me: Sensitive, strengthening, whitening, tartar control, plaque removing, deep clean, breath freshening, complete protection, with baking soda.
Husband: So get the blue stuff?
Me: Yes.
Lmao my first taste of adulthood was learning you had to actually pay for Microsoft office. I had be using it for free my whole life as a student. It didn’t even occur to me it cost money to have it at home
I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
Why is it called an everything bagel and not a bagall.
Officer: I am going to need you to take a sobriety test.
Me: (whispers in his ear)
Can we make it science? Sobriety has never been my strongest subject.
me: [pushing cartful of candy to register]
clerk: wow you’re really prepared for halloween huh.
me: what’s halloween.
MANAGER: Great news guys, I finally got us a gig
BAND: Thank God! Finally!
MANAGER: *installing RAM* Yeah it’ll make this PC way faster
Me: “How much for your top of the line masturbation chamber?” Sales person: “You mean the shower stall?”
I overheard my neighbor tell someone on the phone that I was creepy.
I was so mad I almost crawled out from under the bed & confronted her.
anyone know what happened at the 2nd noel?
I don’t know what’s funnier, the fact that our new broom came with instructions or that my husband is actually reading them
For sale: 1 brain, only dropped once, OW, dammit, ok twice
Me, pointing at your baby: Hey, your potato just barked at me
When I’m in a conference room all by myself I like to pretend I’m having a very important meeting with chairs about chair shit.
I sleep like a baby at night…
…a baby with a terrible secret.
[book store]
ME: *dumps pile of misshapen swans on counter*
CLERK: What is that?
ME: “Origami for Dummies.” I want to return it.
I want to marry somebody as funny as me. Imagine we both laughing because we forgot to pick the kids up from school
[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute
I keep a list of all the people who get on my nerves so I know who’s getting the glittery Christmas cards.
It’s probably really hard for them to carry their backpacks.
We get it, cacti, you have great biceps.
*hands cashier chihuahua*
“One waffle cone, please.”