Wife: *spreads picnic beneath large oak tree*
Me: No good
Wife: Why not?
Me: Seems shady
Wife: *attacks me with plastic cutlery*
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I don’t tell many people this, but I have been known to carry a shiv.
Okay, it’s the underwire in my bra and the only one getting stabbed is me, but still.
Me: “Your baby looks just like you.”
-“Thank you!”
Me: “Funny you took that as a compliment but ok.”
My safe word is extra cheese
…in queso emergency.
The next Mission Impossible movie is about Tom Cruise trying to reach a cup in the cabinet above his oven without a step stool.
I stapled her tongue to the desk for humming Ke$ha all day and I really think the HR guy isn’t listening to my side of the story.
Throwback to this Gorilla in a pool dancing to Maniac.
We’ve designed you a new phone 007.
It’s exactly the same as your old phone but you’ll need to buy a new charger.
Don’t be ridiculous, I would never use capitalization as a form of passive aggressive behavior karen.
“you attract what you fear” ahhhhh a healthy relationship ahhhhh
don’t we all
“guilt-free treat” bro i’m eating a cookie, not on trial for murder
Don’t try tell me how many months old your child is. I only recognize:
A. Potato phase
B. Shrieking pterodactyl phase
C. Tiny drunk person phase
Boy are people gonna be upset when they find out the God Particle is black…
Of course I can keep a secret, It’s the people I tell it to that can’t.
me: my new book is fantastic
friend: can i borrow it when you’re done?
me: you can’t color it in twice
The Real Housewives of Sesame Street
Me: Do you want anything from Chipotle?
CW: Yeah….just surprise me.
Me: *comes back with no food*
SURPRISE!
People who don’t like pickles are so important because they give me their pickles
Dis earing letters?
There’s an ‘app’ for that.
“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life”
Ok Brenda but watching Netflix and eating Nutella straight out the jar isn’t gonna pay my bills is it?
English would be much easier to learn if the guy who came up with the word “waterfall” was in charge of inventing all new words
My dad: Which highway did you take?
Me: The one Maps told me to. I dunno. I remember there was asphalt. Other cars and stuff
Call your teenage daughter by the dog’s name one time and she doesn’t talk to you for three days. Three wonderful fabulous amazing days.
remeber: you hav the same number of hours in the day as this tree. and how much oxygen hav u produced? oh none? oh u CONSUMED OXYGEN!?!???
Me: So what’s this lowlife in for?
Zoo guide: Again, this isn’t animal prison
[First day as pirate]
*sword tip pokes me in back*
*sighs*
*walks plank*Me: Whatever, y’all are out of rum anyway.
Him: You drank it all!
My wife: hey I’m gonna go get a Brazilian
Me: you can just buy them?
I have so many mistakes. It’s hard to choose a favourite.
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*