sleep paralysis demon: ew. why are you so sweaty?
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Maybe people are the dumbest creatures on Earth, and animals just pretend to be dumber to avoid talking to us.
an impostor shall come to you
he shall speak pleasing words and promise you the world
but in his name you shall know him a fraud
The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.
what’s a good synonym for “experienced” to use in an overview summary on a resume? i tried “jaded” and apparently that’s not what employers are looking for
I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and no one is in the car and it’s parked on the side of the road.
[drive thru] I just really need to talk about Buffy the Vampire Slayer and you’re the only one awake.
I’m going to open a food truck that sells chicken sandwiches. Park it next to Chick-fil-A and open it only on Sundays
It will be called Side Chick.
If you’re having a bad day, just know that my 9 year older nephew announced to a room full of friends and family that he saw his parents doing “naked yoga.”
Samsung just announced a series of water resistant phones. Just what you want in a phone that sets itself on fire – to be water resistant.
“Oh my god Harvey, you have GOT to see this bathroom.”
The pharmacy will look you straight in the eye with no line of people and tell you it will be 20-30 minutes for them to take some eye drops off the shelf behind them and put them in a little bag.
Got a new stove today and then ordered a pizza because I don’t want to ruin it by getting it dirty or anything.
That f****** terrifying moment when you open your phone with a wet thumb and it starts automatically calling everyone on your contact list.
Me: welcome to my painting podcast
[wet slapping noises for 75 minutes]
Me: it’s a mountain
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for reenacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe stop playing “Unchained Melody” on the loud speaker and we won’t keep having this problem
Please don’t ask me to repeat myself I wasn’t listening either
Oops I deleted….
hello 9-1-1? my girlfriend’s been kidnapped
“stay calm sir, what’s ur girlfriend’s name”
oh she goes to another school u wouldn’t know her
[commercial]
WOMAN: have u ever wondered what would happen if a car alarm could swim?
NARRATOR: geese
[texting w/ my nana]
Me: hey! Mom told me you learned how to use emojis!
Her: I ❤️ murder
Me: well that’s kinda wei..
Her: I will 🔫 everyone
Wife: do not eat a bunch of deviled eggs. We got a 3 hour car ride home.
Me: eh it’ll be fine by then they don’t really bother me.
My guts 2 hrs into said car ride: you’re not gonna believe this…
So many people say they love their Roomba, but you never see them set it free.
It’s like being a teenager again. Gas is cheap and I’m grounded.
me: [teary eyed] if anything ever happened to you i would kill myself
her: ur kinda weird for a surgeon
I can only assume that when realtors list a “modest home,” that means it is a house that has never once worn leggings or yoga pants
I asked a girl, “What is the maximum amount of money you would pay to have sex with me?” She said, “Zero dollars.”
And I said, “Deal.”
Me: we’re so compatible we finish each other’s
Him: SENTENCES
Me: you interrupt me one more time I will end you