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[sitting up to eat my ice cream] I feel my core getting stronger already
[murder scene]
MORGAN FREEMAN: there are 7 deadly sins: Pride, greed, envy, lust, wrath and gl– [sees victim wearing crocs] There are 8 dea
12: My favorite band is Green Day
Grandpa: Who the hell is green dog?
Me: Clifford’s cousin
last time i gave my number to a girl from a dating app like 3 texts in i asked her to call in a bomb threat to my job so i could go home and she never replied so i’ve just been kinda takin a break from that for a while
There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.
INTERVIEWER: You put “summoning demons” as a special skill?
ME: That’s right.
INTERVIEWER: *sweating profusely* When can you start?
Gary was no plumber but applying the knowledge acquired from previous experience he quickly fixes the leak by just leaving a bowl under it.
What wine pairs best with concession stand popcorn? Asking for the thermos I’m taking to this high school football game.
“Why have a ballroom, with no Balls?”
-Disney’s Frozen
I paused the movie to tweet this…
My dog thinks I’m the most amazing person on the planet but I don’t let it go to my head since I’m pretty sure the cat has me figured out
Being the firstborn, I was the science experiment
[god creating dolphins]
Peter: why is he smiling?
God: cos, Pete, I’ve given him an asshole on top of his head
Peter: ah. Nice
Making milkshakes because I need help with my yard work.
Take a deep breath.
Exhale slowly.– Respirational Tweet
Why did they make Courtney Cox? Because Lisa Kudrow.
You know what goes great with helping your kid with math homework?
Vodka
When you finally get the courage to get on the scale after avoiding it for a while it’s called “bweighvery.”
stop asking your partner if they would still love you if you were a worm and start asking them if they would still love you if you wore transition lens glasses
My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.
You ever drive around with an old person who knows where everything didn’t used to be?
Before I get off the subway, I like to turn around, look at the other passengers, and say, “I’ll never forget the time we spent together”
Never trust a fireworks dealer that has all 10 fingers
Me: Wanna have sex?
Wife: With you or in general?
The cake is mightier than the sword.
I get Bi with a little help from my friends.
Missing someone is tough but you move on eventually & I’m no longer allowed to chaperone field trips.
Annual shout out to my mom, who said she wanted a small filing cabinet for mother’s day when working on her dissertation. My dad got her a microwave. For two weeks she left several manila folders in it and wouldn’t let anyone use it — until my dad procured a filing cabinet.
interviewer: why do you want this job?
me: i’m a job guy. love jobs
Just heard a woman say, “I never give my dog medicine I haven’t tried first” and her friend responded, “oh, Janet, no.”
One thing I’m really good at is turning $1500 into $4.72