Daughter: what do you call a T-Rex with sleep apnea?
Me: no idea.
Daughter: a Dinosnore : )
Me: [sniff].
Daughter: are you crying?
Me: I’m just so proud of you.
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Apparently, saying “make it a double” followed by an awkward wink doesn’t work at the pharmacy.
If you cut your goat in half you’ll have two goats, that’s just simple math.
My ideal weight is five million dollars
me: son, you’re adopted
son: WHAT
me: no no it’s a good thing, it means we actually wanted you
daughter: WHAT
[First Date]
Me: *licks corner of napkin*
Me: *dabs at his cheek*
Him: ……………
Me: Sorry. Force of habit.
Whenever somebody asks me what my hobby is, there is a long uncomfortable pause and then I back away until I can’t see them anymore.
Normal people eating: *CRUNCH* *SLURP* *GULP* 🙂
Me eating: If I make any noise at all whilst eating people might judge me and I MIGHT DIE
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote you can be distant and vague?
ME: *staring out the window* Idk, maybe.
Boss set out a bowl of hard candy in the break room, so I guess we had our Christmas party today.
After years of the wife complaining about me wearing the same boring underwear I decided to surprise her by jazzing up my ‘lingerie’ collection.
So I bought a second pair.
[inventing the turtle] put the worst dinosaur in an army helmet
6: Daddy, when did the first Thanksgiving happen?
Me: Great question! The first Thanksgiving dinner was 400 years ago–
6: –Oh, were you there?!
Me:
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
I have a hard time believing the inventor of Rock, Paper, Scissors was like “OMG this is so much fun!”
A peacock is just a chicken made by Versace.
I don’t know what happened but the entire pan of brownies is gone and I only had 4,500 slivers.
I love it when people throw out those inspirational tweets like ‘live life to the fullest’ after they’ve spent the entire day on Twitter.
I just screenshot my blue check and made it my banner. That was easy. And free 😂
ACCOUNTANT: So you want to write off 5000 bat-shaped boomerangs??
BATMAN, intense voice: They’re essential for my war on crime!
ACCOUNTANT: That’s fine, but claiming *boomerangs* as an *unrecoverable* business expense…
BATMAN, normal voice: Oh yeah, no, yeah, I see your point.
Ohio sounds like someone greeting a friend they didn’t expect to see then immediately realising it’s actually someone else
If Jesus loves me how come he’s never liked a single one of my instagram selfies
My kid called me to tell me their car had a flat tire when they got to school.
Then pacified me with:
“Don’t worry mom, it’s only flat on the bottom.”We’re thinking Harvard.
[to tall guy in front of me at the movies] dude at least face the screen
Meanwhile in Canada…
As a baby I took my son Caden to the park. Other kids there were Aiden Jayden Brayden & Ben. The parents that named Ben should get an award.
Forgot to use a coupon my wife gave me so now I have to hide it like it’s a dead body.
Forgot to mute myself on a Zoom call while my kids were home and my boss gave me three extra weeks of vacation.
John Travolta is the only person in history to have ever had chills that were capable of doing math.
superterriblemorningexpialidocious
Guys, I found it.