The best time to start a family fight is now. It gets you out of buying relatives gifts.
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olympic swim laps would get faster if they held swimming during winter olympics
The government says 50 terror plots have been thwarted since NSA surveillance. What a perfectly even, unsuspicious number.
Hi, I’m Brandon and I’ll be your hater this evening. Our specials tonight are “ur mom”, “lol own3d”, and “u mad bro lol u mad?!??!”
[tattoo parlour]
ME: I’d like a tattoo as a tribute to my dad. He loved gardening & now he’s dead, so maybe like a skeleton mowing the lawn?
People at HIIT class who warm up before the trainer starts the warm up how warm do you really need to be?
Him: You okay?
Me eating a tube of cookie dough like a banana: Yeah, why?
Semicolons are like a weekend home from jail; they’re a small break between two shorter but related sentences.
ME: we need to fight diabetes
INVENTOR OF THE PIÑATA: say no more
You act like you’ve never seen a grown woman ride a carousel horse without kids.
You know that you’re officially lost when you turn down the car radio and take off your sunglasses.
I’d rather babysit for five toddlers than one parrot.
Officer i swear I’ve only had 2 dog beers (14 beers)
Her: Why do you have a copy of 50 Shades of Grey in your bathroom? Perv!
Me: Oh. No that’s just for when I run out of toilet paper.
My 16 y/o plays this hilarious game where he loses something, accuses everyone in the house of “moving it,” then finds it under his bed.
I think I found a perfect place for Spongebob.
*swivels around in evil chair*
*evil laugh*
*pets evil cat*
*evil cat laughs*
*jumps out of evil chair*
“Holy shit, that cat just laughed!”
genie: you have three wishes
me: nightvision goggles
genie: dope
me: the only pair on the planet
genie: many people will be affected
me: now kill the sun
genie: dude
They really taught us calculus and then left us to fend for ourselves when it comes to taxes and putting the duvet cover back on
5 years ago my dad texted me “i dreamed up the title of a poem last night” and i said “what was the title” and he said “Thoughts Upon Receiving Notice The Frogs Had Cast Off Their Green Skins and Revealed Their True Glorious Selves” and i have thought of that every day since.
“Why you watching this shit?”
Me: I got the birthday cake for our son
Wife: It says Happy 3rd Birthday Josh
Me: oh shit he’s gonna be 4 isn’t he
Wife: His name is Jake
My wife just shouted “I’M NOT A MIND READER” during an argument that began with her saying “I know what you’re thinking”
[at aquarium]
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
“Octopi”
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.
i’m lonely just not “inventor of the boomerang” lonely
This guy in my living room must think I’m an idiot, he says he picked my lock but I distinctly remember choosing it at the store by myself.
A Roomba, but to shave my legs.
*hires a group of teenage girls to giggle every time you walk by*
Netflix is asking every five minutes if we’re still watching and I think it must be suffering from separation anxiety now that people are going outside again.
I asked my 13-year-old what time I need to pick her up tonight. She told me to check the practice schedule she already gave me. That’s the kid version of “as per my last email.”
You can go straight to hell! Well, unless you’re being chased by an alligator, in which case I recommend zig-zagging your way to hell.