The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.
You Might Also Like
i told a rich person that i think we should raise the minimum wage and they were like “raise the minimum wage? what’s next?? lower the maximum wage!?!” and it’s like actually, now that you mention it, that’s not a bad idea
Me: Hi. Is your refrigerator running?
Random person who answered the phone: Yes.
Me: ok. Where does it stand on immigration?
Dear resealable chocolate bag, your confidence in my self-control was truly inspiring. And you were delicious.
I love to watch the look of panic on my husband’s face when I pull a pair of panties out of my drawer and say, “um, these aren’t mine.”
The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.
Dear guy sitting next to me at the bar wearing camouflage: I can still see you.
“When I’m dead, I’d like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole.”
-Humans
Me: Footlong
Subway sandwich artist: White or wheat?
Me: Cookie
This girl just said, “You know that feeling you get when you really really like someone?” and I was all like, “Nope.” and walked away.
My 3yo wanted me to use my real money to buy pretend food, and then complained I was buying the wrong pretend food, so I think he’s going to be a stockbroker
[Ouija board]
“Hey spirits, talk to us”
W H A T S U R F R I E N D S N A M E H E S C U T E
“fml”
Toddlers and Tiaras: Fat, sexually frustrated soccer moms invest their husband’s money in ruining their daughter’s lives.
If Frodo heads towards Mordor at 5 km/h and Aragorn heads towards Mordor at 7 km/h, how long until my friends come back?
You were all Pluto’s not even a planet and now you’re watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.
LOGIC: Obviously, the end of the week is the “weekend”
CALENDARS:
What if I offe
red you ano
ther idea of what “week
end” means?
Relationship status: Putting aloe on the wall and rubbing against it to apply in places that I can’t reach.
You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet. I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.
it’s not really fair to ask kids what they want to be when they grow up because as a kid I had no idea being a podcast cohost who does no research and just gasps or laughs was an option
If I am wearing red lipstick you can be sure I have one thing on my mind..
I hope I don’t have any on my teeth.
Teacher: how should we punish the students?
Principal: make them stay home
Teacher: that doesn’t seem like a punishment..
Principal (just 3 kids in a trench coat trying not to laugh): omg they’ll hate it
I thought I saw a coyote in the yard tonight but I couldn’t tell because it didnt have an anvil.
“Doing the dishes” is completely pointless and only wastes water. You’re just going to put food on them again in a few hours.
I’ve slept with enough babysitters to know how to raise a kid thanks mom
If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.
I’m at my sexiest when I try to run in flip flops in the rain.
🐕🍷
The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.
Caught my kid forging my signature and I have to say, pretty good for a third grader
You’re not a real family unless you all have different names for the same dog.
I’m really glad my dog doesn’t tell anyone about the conversations we have together. Then people would really think I’m crazy.