Soulmate sounds like something Satan puts in his coffee.
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My annual evaluation was today at work.
I’ll be riding this “exceeds expectations” high for weeks.
The worlds largest aircraft prototype is called the Air Lander 10. The helium pumped hybrid aircraft consists of an airplane, airship and helicopter built all in one.
[business trip]
ME: i forgot my charger
COWORKER: you should invest in a spare to keep in your bag
ME: i forgot all 4 of my chargers
You slid into my DM’s and now you mean to tell me you’re not gonna divorce your wife, uproot your life and leave your family FOR ME!? HOW DARE!
[1692 Salem]
“BURN THE WITCH”U HAVE A CROOKED NOSE, WITCH
“No, Frank, at the stake”
[quickly lighting torch]
Right, I knew that.
Guy at the Acme Corporation: Ah, some dog in Arizona wants to buy a rocket launcher. I’ll send him a really shitty one
Only 90’s kids will remember this! *plays outside*
my favorite part of nextdoor is seeing neighbors toss around the latest street slang such as ‘casing the joint’
United Steaks of America
He told me to strike while the iron is hot, like I know what an iron is.
Trains should still have a caboose, if you stop to watch it go by you should be rewarded with a good ending
[restaurant]
ME: Bottle of shiraz pls. It’s my birthday
WAITER: Your birthday? It’s on the house
ME: [looking up] Do you have a ladder or
Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.
My favourite horror sitcom crossover was I Know What You Did Last Of The Summer Wine
When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.
You know how sailors used to get scurvy from not eating citrus fruit/vitamin C? Well if there’s a disease that one gets from eating cheesecake I’m going to have it by Friday around noon.
Got that cool new virus rsv and it feels awesome being early on this one. It’s like doing all your homework on Friday so you don’t need to worry the rest of the weekend
glitter can neither be created nor destroyed, only transferred from one location to another
A double negative is a big no-no.
[googles “camaflage spiders”]
-no results-
phew.
wait…
[googles “camouflage spiders”]
-11,345,453 results-
motherf
I’ll make sure my house is clean when you first come over to visit
But after that I don’t care because you’ve seen it clean once
The last apple tree in the world shrivels up and dies. In the distance a horde of doctors are ready.
Love how Gatorade “flavors” are like “icy charge” and “Cascade crash” and “Arctic blitz” instead of things that would even remotely indicate what you’re about to taste
I am determined to save money. I don’t care what it takes: making coffee at home, lowering the thermostat, purchasing $200 of stuff I don’t need to qualify for free shipping. Whatever it takes.
her: [during roleplay] come get me
me: [struggling to get up with my ninja turtle shell on] no you get me
i don’t really hate you but if you were falling off a cliff
i would be waving good bye
Picture someone you think is kinda/sorta attractive.
Now picture them holding a pizza box.
WHY DO WE ALLOW OTHER COUNTRIES TO TAG THEIR NAME ON TO SOMETHING AND SELL US LIES WHEN THEY DO IT WRONG? CANADIAN BACON? ENGLISH MUFFINS?
43 Hacks That Will Help You Cut Down a Christmas Tree
Never really had a nickname in my life.. Except maybe that one time a bunch of chumps called me “The defendant” for a full day.