Emoji: because sometimes a chicken, the Spanish flag, and a lesbian couple is the only way to express how you really feel.
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ME: I’m here for toilet pap–
COTSCO: WARM CROISSANTS
ME: But I…
COSTCO: 500 DISPOSABLE RAZORS
ME: I just nee–
COSTCO: BUCKET OF KIMCHI
ME: *spends $472*
A pirate reminisces:
“Ar, at first, ’twas all fun and games.”
*rubs eye patch morosely*
Why would I want a vehicle that seats 8 people? I don’t even like 8 people.
I never wanted to hug someone as badly as the little old man who just ordered a “small coffee flavored coffee” in Starbucks.
Me *checking restaurant bill* we’ll split this
Her: What, really?
Me: It’s fairer
Her: But I didn’t have wine
Me: You had dessert though
Her: I am 6 years old
Me: Get your money out
“Goodbye, cruel world.” I say while taking one too many Flinstone vitamins
Please stop saying, “not all heroes wear capes.” It is hurting business and times are very hard here at the cape factory lately.
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says why the long face and he says it’s so when I’m eating prairie grasses I can see predators
I see velociraptor is trending in the United Kingdom.
I knew I should have paid for a stronger lock on that paddock.
I’m an Obama supporter but there’s no escaping the harsh truth that Batman v Superman happened on his watch.
So when is too soon to ask your friend if you can borrow their baby to reenact The Lion King? One day old? Two?
I ordered some fitted sheets that have U.S. road maps on them. Now I’ll have two reasons why I can’t fold them.
i’ve always wanted to be a whistleblower but unfortunately i don’t know anything
Just when I thought we’d avoided all controversial topics at Thanksgiving dinner my niece said Aristocats was better than The Lion King
“you can be a good parent and hide chocolate chip cookies from your kids” she whispers as she wipes crumbs off her chin and quietly closes the freezer door
[inventing potato chips]
CEO: they’re so fragile, how will they be packaged?
Inventor: in a sturdy box
CEO: nah, let’s go with a bag
Inventor: but they’ll get crushed!
CEO: fill the bag with air
Inventor:
CEO: really strong air
Just once I’d like to see 25 tiny cars come out of a clown.
My boss asked me why I’m late, apparently answering “because your wife wouldn’t let me get out of bed” just gets you sent to HR.
Ladies time to start dating the older dudes
They can get you in the grocery store earlier
I’m going to start an emo group called System of a Frown.
Europeans are like “we go on holiday but Americans don’t go on holiday, they go on vacation.”
WE DON’T GO ON VACATION EITHER
Just paid my bills, so don’t ask me to come out. I’m at home getting my money’s worth.
The tag on my jeans says “Relaxed” so it obviously doesn’t have children.
If by multitasking you mean ruining my life in more than one way at a time, then yes, I’m multitasking.
[my kid, literally every school morning]
“I hate mornings. I’m not getting up”[1st day of summer vacation]
“dad, can we watch the sunrise”
confession: when my barber spins me around and hands me a mirror to check the back I just fake it. Who is even that coordinated?
Kylo Ren: I am your father.
Rey: We’re roughly the same age. You’re just copying everything Vader said.
Kylo Ren: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
I should run for public office just to see the scandalous dirt they dig up on me. I would really like to piece together my twenties.
i hired way too many actors for my movie about weather. it was overcast, is what im saying
I was at the shops & the woman in front of me was asking where the cucumbers were
The assistant came back with a small cucumber & she said “yes I saw that but I want a big one” & I actually said out loud “that’s what she said” & yes I think I spend too much time on the Twitter