My wife is mad that my daughter is crying in this restaurant but she should be mad that our daughter is so bad at tic-tac-toe that I’ve beaten her 24 times in a row.
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[announcement over PA at work]
“FREE TACOS IN THE BREAKROOM”
*I walk there so fast the noise from my corduroys breaks everyone’s eyeglasses*
NYT: Yes Sauron Can Be Quite Aggressive But Consider Hobbits Who Go Around Throwing People’s Jewelry Into Lava Pits
Comedian: My teardrop tattoos are to indicate how many times I’ve killed on stage.
Guy: I don’t see any teardrop tattoos.
It’s easy to tell hedgehogs from porcupines. Porcupines aren’t blue.
When a mom hears the words
“Mom, don’t be mad…”
We either think you spilled your drink or committed armed robbery, there is no in between.
Where there’s a will, there’s a greedy bastard hoping you die.
The Struggle
Almost arrived at work when my kid asked “Where’re we going?” Who the hell did I just drop off at school?!
if u ever feel insecure just remember that there is at least one couple where your name is a sensitive topic. kinda sexy of you to be that important
Scariest things in the world:
1. Clowns
2. Phone calls
3. That feeling when you accidentally tip your office chair back too far and your life flashes before your eyes
Damn girl are you a bag of sunflower seeds? Cause I wanna spend a bunch of money, work really hard and not be completely satisfied
I accidentally left an open bag of birdseed on the porch, and word spread that this is the full-size Halloween candy bar house of the squirrel community.
I just brushed my hair while wearing a fuzzy sweater and now I can make a streetlight come on by touching it.
[in the woods]
Me: *rescues a deer from a bear trap*
Deer: I have a boyfriend
My 3yo said ‘mummy’ 6,358 times today and I can’t find the page in the parenting book that tells you what to do when they malfunction
cop: *knocks on my car window*
me: sorry is the music too loud
cop: yes
me: *sets down bagpipes*
The last time I said I wanted to try missionary, she sent me to a remote village in Africa
Orion’s belt? Waist of space!
God grant me the witchcraft to change the things I cannot accept.
*eggs your house on Halloween*
*pumpkins your house on Easter*
How do I know you’re not a cop?
“If I was a cop, how would I have this?”
*shows police badge that just says ‘Not a Cop’ on it*
Oh, okay good
Me: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
You: Would you like some coffee?
Me: No.
Sometimes you just don’t realize you needed that emotional release until it’s over, you know?
my stomach full of six different kinds of cake: i hate u
I was tired of my kids asking me to put the same 7 songs on for them 9,000 times a day, so I taught them how to do it themselves.
I am not a smart woman.
[Dating in 2009]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: I’m calling the police.[Dating in 2019]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: Oh my gosh, how do you pick just one, right? Hahaha!
I would have suggested they just use a regular volleyball, but I guess the Olympics are special.
someone please tell my husband that no one can hear him yelling driving tips at them from inside our car.
Be the reason why church doors slam shut as you walk by.
The answer is funnier than the question