No one makes fun of your cargo pants when you start pulling little bottles of liquor out of them at the PTA meeting
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Thinking about that time I used a pic of katy perry as my avi and a dude got so mad that I wasn’t actually katy perry that he called me a catfish and blocked me. Wonder how he’s doing now
If she’s your girlfriend why is she leaning over the side of the boat to touch me in a way she will never touch you?
My cats woke me up at 3am fighting so while they’re trying to sleep it off I think I’ll spend the whole day vacuuming
Turbulence is just God’s little way of telling us we’re NOT BIRDS.
Netflix and oh great my wife is asleep already.
That day I took a photo of a ghost builder on their way to work carrying their hard hat.
You: Nothing more patriotic than fireworks on the 4th of July.
Your dog: OMG! KIM JONG-UN IS UNLEASHING THE FULL POWER OF HIS NUCLEAR STOCKPILE. THIS IS NOT A DRILL! REPEAT: NOT. A. DRILL.
Best spoiler warning ever
me: I saw our neighbor walking his dog at 6 AM and he looked so unhappy
wife: maybe the two are related?
me: no, I think they’re just good friends
Me as a bachelor contestant: “you’re not talking to any other girls, right?”
“Are you carrying any treats, sir?”
“No, I’m not.”
“Cookies? Biscuits?”
“Nope.”
“Please empty your pockets.”
“Listen, I’ve already told you-“
“I’ll also need to check your bag.”
“I don’t think that’s really nec-”
“Sir, I’d advise you not make this any harder than it needs to be.”
Me: Back to school tomorrow! Everyone ready?
14: Yeah, let me check if I have any homework.
He’s been off for 17 days.
Today a man asked me if the bird tattoo on my shoulder was a hummingbird and I said it’s a magpie and he asked “oh black billed or yellow billed?” HEY YOU KNOW WHAT JEREMY YOU CAN’T NOT KNOW A HUMMINGBIRD FROM A MAGPIE ONE MINUTE THEN CRED CHECK ME THE NEXT OKAY?
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And I’m terrible with decisions, so I went home.
cop: sir it looks as if you were the victim of organ theft
me (in an icy bath): oh no…she took my yamaha?
cop:
disney ceo: live action little mermaid
animator: yep
ceo: it’s in the ocean
animator: got it
ceo: coral reefs
animator: understood
ceo: lots of fish
animator: [nose suddenly bleeding] i don’t- what is.… finsh?
Pro tip:
Ask your boss if you can go home early since you’re not going to do anything anyways.
but what does Jesus do when he wants to swim
Me at 20: I better stretch before I do a work out so I don’t strain my hammys!
Me at 40: I better stretch before I go to sleep so I don’t strain my neck.
MOST RESTAURANTS:
Waiter: “Have you dined with us before?”
You: “No.”
Waiter: “Oh! Well, (*proceeds to describe a normal restaurant*)”
I’m going to start a Metal band and only sing about things that make me rage, like when a spatula gets stuck in a drawer and I can’t open it
dracula is the original vampire, which means all other vampires are technically his kids. but has he ever paid child support?? dracula is nothing but a deadbeat dad, that’s why he can’t look at himself in the mirror, he’s too ashamed
“i was born in the wrong generation” bro we can literally fry shit with the air. what else do u want
*gets neck cracked by Chiropractor*
Hey I didn’t know our necks turned like an Owls
(gathered around the campfire, 1876)
Me: This meeting could have been a homing pigeon
During a meditation session
Sorry, my watch told me to stand up.
My favorite Bible stories are where women are villains for things like picking fruit or getting their boyfriend a better haircut.
If I ran a swamp tour in Florida there’d be a lot of people that wouldn’t make it back to the boat launch.
I accidentally bought organic milk instead of regular and now my family is so broke we are forced to live in a shack and make clothes out of recycled hair.
Me: can I borrow $20?
Friend: No.
*slides him $50*
Me: how about now?