Gordon Ramsey: Tell us about your dish
Me, a dad: Just eat it because I’m not making anything else
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Is there a term yet for the now-rampant stores with
-tiny succulents
-$300 sack dresses
-ceramics with boobs on them
-macrame
-palo santo sticks
-geometric gold earrings
-letterpress cards
-at least 3 items w/questionable arrow/feather/tipi imagery
I’m ready to make a bingo card
If you’re happy and you know it….it’s the wine.
In bed a woman called me daddy so I called her son
That awkward moment when you lazily follow someone cos of 1 funny joke, then realize all the rest of their stuff is KKK recruitment material
The Tortoise and the Hare is a classic story about how people who like to run are awful.
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I’m checking his room for drugs
An opossum is just a regular possum that reenacts the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally.
Hey Twitter, you get a new comic EARLY
Seems kinda suspicious
Yes liquor stores are essential businesses, today it was essential that I get port to go with my cigars.
VILLAIN: *Stroking cat* I’ve been expec-
BOND: OMG your kitty is so cute! Can I pet him?!
V:*Whining* Tiiim, you said this was intimidating!
IF YOU THINK IM GONNA SMILE BECAUSE IT REQUIRES FEWER MUSCLES YOUVE GOT ANOTHER THING COMING. NO OFF DAYS, WELCOME TO FROWN TOWN, BABY
the embarrassment of competing in a rap battle and finding out your opponent is your doctor who does not care about hipaa violations
Me: But nothing comes out when you move your lips just a bunch of gibberish, you mother fu-
Friend: WHAT ARE YOU SAYING TO MY BABY?!
cashier: ORDER FOR GRANT
me: oh cool
cashier: 25 TACOS READY FOR GRANT
me: ok here I am
cashier: 25 TACOS TO BE EATEN SHAMEFULLY IN THE DARK READY FOR GRANT
me: hey, I’m right here
cashier: 25 TACOS REPRESENTING FEELINGS OF INADEQUACY READY FOR
“I wasn’t born yesterday” – Lying newborn baby
Twitter reminds me of what my grandpa always used to say, ‘Who are you people and what are you all jabbering about anyway?’
student loan “forgiveness?” so you admit. student loans are a sin.
Stop saying I’m not a nice person, I have a pillow in my trunk.
My kid pausing YouTube to decide what snack she wants is the new turning down the car radio when you’re lost.
Who called it a scale and not a weigh of life?
No one is in denial more than a mom who brings a book to the pool
My 3yo explaining pizza delivery:
“You hear the doorbell, then you open the door, then a person is suddenly there, and then they give you a pizza. And then they disappear into the night.”
When a Chinese takeout forgets your dumplings, you can sue them for wonton negligence. Hey-ooo!
First day of gondolier training:
You mean I have to stand…STAND on the tip of this boat ALL day rowing with one oar?
Singing. You have to sing.
Sing?! How could this job be any worse?
Wait, let me get your costume.
Had a dream some of my friends were mooning me, woke up at the crack of Don.
Experts say that human interaction is important for brain health but I’m willing to risk it.
PATIENT: i just feel like something is missing from my life
THERAPIST: [is a cat] have you tried biting plastic
My boss just farted. I asked him if he was trying to get the condom out. He’s mad now.