*puts a Santa hat on your Halloween decorations*
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[Jesus Feeding of the 4,999)
ME: *gets back in line wearing fake mustache*
ME (watching Chopped): Don’t braise the cod in the camembert! You never serve fish with cheese!
ME (in my kitchen later, alone): Today, I plan to make a rehydrated ramen consommé using boiled water from the tap and the shrimp spices from this packet.
Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.
Got caught by three red lights on my way home and now my avocados are bad
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* uh oh
WIFE (points at my google search for “cry orbs with layers”): how the hell do you forget the word “onion”
“Matt, you just need to date the type of person that will always be there for you!”
[tries to date pizza]
[gets friend calzoned]
me: see you tomorrow
coworker: ok it’s a date[later]
me, thinking to myself: a date? but that could lead to affection, intimacy and eventually, love[the next day]
coworker: *just doing work stuff like any other day*
me: *in HR desperately seeking a transfer to Argentina*
Me: *In kitchen loudly eating carrots.
Dog: *Asleep in bedroom
Me: *In pantry, munching on Oreos.
Dog: *Loudly snoring in bedroom
Me: *Opens fridge, looks at steak.
Dog: *Already sitting expectantly next to me.
Why do I say “no” to necklaces? Oh, I dunno, maybe it’s because I’m not gonna do fully 50% of a strangler’s job for him.
The bright side of global warming is that 100% of our great grandchildren will own beachfront property.
Me: They say a picture is worth a thousand words.
My advisor: This selfie can’t be your thesis statement.
FRIEND: I hate when people refer to their pets as children.
ME: You do that all the time with your dog.
FRIEND: I don’t have a dog.
ME: …
FRIEND: Are you referring to my toddler?
ME: …Probably.
I’m going to start an aluminum recycling company called “Only Cans”.
approaching the 7-year anniversary of putting my stem cells in my dad’s bones and growing my bone marrow there thus killing his cancer and giving me years of “he’s a lesbian in his bones” jokes
Gremlins(1984): a shopkeeper with a creature so powerful it could destroy all human life gives it to a 12yo boy. Many lives are lost.(PG13)
“I’ve led you this far so the LEAST you can do is drink, dammit!”
Any ghost sophisticated enough to haunt a hotel is going to find the 13th floor whether you have an elevator button for it or not.
doctors before an x-ray be like “dont worry this is perfectly safe” and then the dude goes to egypt to press a button
I’ve never seen a single Star Wars movie and I plan on keeping it that way simply because, the reaction I get when telling someone I’ve never seen them, is far more enjoyable than any movie I’ve ever seen.
Me having to explain to another kid’s dad why he can’t come to my kid’s birthday party
Allow me to slip into something more out the window.
I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.
Anyone else ever hit the pizza button on the microwave and hope that pizza would be there?
In every successful relationship the MAN always has the last word – “Yes Dear.”
mike tyson is short for michael thankyouson (i’m so sorry)
I’m sick of people not taking me seriously *Throws jester hat down in disgust*
When I weakly slam the microwave door, but it doesn’t latch and springs back to smack me in the face… I probably deserved that.
Putting a bunch of small decorative rocks in front of your house is a bold move, but putting one big rock in your yard is a boulder move.
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
[at the park with my husband and children]
Stranger: You have a beautiful family
Me: *thinking of my Sims* Yes, thank you, I’m very proud