I really hope it’s a typo on your resume where it says you’re “goat oriented”.
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reporter: tell us how you thwarted the robbery
me: [shrugs] he told us to put our hands where he could see them so I put them over his eyes
We just walked into a Target and my wife said we don’t need a buggy and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do in here without a buggy to push.
Obviously, someone didn’t follow the instructions before assembling the cat…🐈🐾😅
just a reminder that when Shakespeare was in quarantine for the plague, he wrote the lyrics to “thong song”
[first time hearing bag pipes]
ME: What a pleasant experience.
[1 minute later]
ME: This can stop.
11yo: What are you doing?
me: shhh. Mommy’s napping.
11yo: On the treadmill?
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.
People said I was wasting my time playing Tetris, but here I am, loading the dishwasher like a beast.
it’s common knowledge that a house isn’t a home until there are at least five different boxes of cereal open at once
My kid can name 32 crayon colours but when I ask what colour was that car that backed into our’s he’ll say “a bit like my yesterday’s poop”
Just told my toddler to eat 5 bites of her dinner, to which she replied I was horrible. So I counted the number 3 twice. Biotch.
Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.
My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.
The happy life.. 😊
Someone in one of the screen rooms at my theatre was eating pepperoni and I can’t tell if I’m repulsed by the smell or impressed by the audacity.
The only person who might be able to conclusively prove I’m not Batman is Batman. And until he does, the jury is out.
[reading Harry Potter]
Me: Do you know what’s going on?
3-year-old: He went to lizard school.
I’d correct her, but her version is better.
Laxatives help you live up to your full pooptential.
The police have just found my stash of ceremonial chairs in my transparent garden potting shed. Just goes to prove…
People in glass houses shouldn’t stow thrones
God: you run really fast.
Horse: sweet.
God: people ride you in circles for sport.
Horse: kindof weird but ok
God: also don’t break a leg.
Horse: why?
God:
Horse: God? why?
*wife walks over to me*
*cups my face with her hands*
*looks me in the eye*“Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?”
[Biden runs into the oval office]
“Barack, ISIS are on the phone. They want a shipment of updog. I asked what it is but they just laughed”
my husband and I got into an argument because he says I waste money so as an act of apology I bought him a penguin
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: omg, me too
(at the pearly gates)
St. Peter: Say “worchestershire”
Me: Oh God I knew it
Jesus: saw that facebook event “last supper”… looks good but whys it called the “last supper” ?
Judas: oh.. No reason really
Jurassic Park CEO: I’m beginning to think a park with dinosaurs is a bad idea. Anyone?
Suit: Well…what if we make it a supermarket with dinosaurs?
CEO: Genius!
I’m hungry – like I could eat a hot fudge sundae. Ok – I’m driving to the supermarket. Because I’m a motivated doer.
🎶And ewe may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me: [lifts gallon] yea it’s easy
Wife: I mean from the store
Me: I would imagine it weighs the same there too