Don’t forget to celebrate Columbus Day by moving in to someone else’s house and telling everyone it’s yours, then closing the post office.
You Might Also Like
Me *swallowing 4th wet t-shirt* this contest is hard
recipe: 1/4 cup fresh cilantro
cilantro at the store: here’s a bouquet. i’ll be rotten tomorrow
“I don’t see things as half full or half empty. I try to be optimistic!”
-Me explaining to my husband why I ran out of gas.
8 and I just standing there existing
3 (irritated): I’m trying to eat
5yo: knock knock
Me:
5: Mom, knock KNOCK
Me:
5: I said KNOCK KNOCK!!
Me: Sorry, you know how I feel about answering the door, buddy.
By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.
{confused hamster}
*looks around cage*
“Ummmm where’d my wheel go??”[Jesus’ voice booms from the heavens]
I WAS TOLD TO TAKE IT
Texting my boss to let him know how excited I am for work tomorrow
Not to brag, but my father bit someone’s ear off long before Mike Tyson made it cool.
An app that keeps fighting with people on the Internet when you go to pee.
I let my dog watch “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it….Which surprised me because, he hated the book.
Wife: why are you smiling?
[realizing if Blue from Blue’s Clues and Clifford had puppies they’d be purple]
Me: I was thinking about you.
People of my generation are always saying that they are shocked how little role quicksand plays in their lives, but I gotta tell you, knowing the difference between a stalagmite and a stalactite has not proved to be as critical as I expected either.
them: what’d you do on your day off
me: wake up earlier than necessary
Me: Your wifi isn’t working
Dad: Well, it’s right next to you!
Me: Yes it’s obviously something I’m doing wrong. I’ll wifi harder
[out to eat with in-laws]
Me: Waiter, your cheapest bottle of champagne
Wife: Hey these are my parents
Me: Waiter, 4 glasses of tap water
CNN: President Obama Saves The Life Of A Choking Child.
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working EMS Workers.
Me: *steps up to the plate, spits, adjusts cup, taps helmet*
Waiter: is there a problem
I hate when I’m in a restaurant bathroom, and I run out of toilet paper. Like my dinner guests are gonna be scared of HALF a mummy costume
MOVIES: Ok, time for bed kiddo.
*child kisses parents and goes to bedMY HOUSE: Time for bed.
*mixed martial acrobatics is now a sport
Per Wikipedia, there are two kinds of scorpions. One can sting and kill you like a spider, the other can sing and rock you like a hurricane
Your Honor, these 52 selfies on my clients phone at the precise moment of the crime prove that my client can only be guilty of narcissism.
surgeon: we’re only allowing family right now
olive garden waitstaff: yeah that’s why we’re here
My daughter told me I was a dumb piece of poop today
Feeling grateful for all the years I spent in college and my response was, “ well so are you”
No one told me my life would become so much googling it
When you realize Green Day predicted 85% of all Twitter content back in 1994 with the song Basket Case.
Intimidate your opponent by fielding a team of flying monkeys
I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late
The creepiest thing about spiders is their sexual attraction to spiders.
I hate to be a stickler, but why is Jesus wearing a cross?