as an adult I encounter ingrown nose hairs far more often than random quicksand and that’s bullshit
You Might Also Like
[sitting in airplane exit row]
me: [taps neighbor on shoulder] this power we wield over life and death is intoxicating
In the event of a robot invasion, show them a photo and ask them to point out the street signs. It fries their circuits and they explode.
[on Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle- Phrase:
OPE__ MOU__H I__SER__ FOO__Me: (with bank of $15,250) I’d like to solve the puzzle!!
Pat Sajak: Go Ahead, Darla.
Me: OPEN MOUTH INSERT FOOD
Buzzer: *beeps*
Studio audience: *groans*
There’s no I in team but there is an I in marriage. There’s also ME, AA and RAGE.
First they ignore your fanny pack, then they laugh at your fanny pack, then they see you eat gummy bears from your fanny pack, then you win.
HEADLINE: Recent Studies Show Old White Dudes Possibly Becoming Obsolete. “This is bad for everybody,” say Old White Dudes.
Maybe Jesus doesn’t want lettuce to adore Him.
“I’m quite content on this side of the street, thank you.”
— No squirrel ever.
8: *reading about the universe* How do stars die?
Me: Mostly old age. Sometimes an overdose, sometimes a pickled liver.
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
If my cat keeps packing on the pounds, I’m going to rent him out as a weighted blanket.
Me: *nervous giggle* Goodbyes are so awkward. Like do I go in for a kiss or what?
Drive-thru attendant: Please just take your food, sir.
It took me three decades to become an overnight success.
My 5yo is writhing on the ground with her legs in the air screaming into a blanket while we wait for our food delivery.
It’s like looking in a mirror.
My 4yo sang Old MacDonald but in his version “on that farm he was a cow” which was a plot twist M. Night Shyamalan would be proud of
You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.
I want to be more optimistic about aging but my 5 year old just found out I am 30 today and now she’s claiming the jewelry she wants to have when I’m dead.
Last time I went trick or treating, a high school bully stole my candy. Later I heard he spent 10yrs in prison which is totally unbelievable because I didn’t press charges.
Five out of six people enjoy Russian Roulette.
[sees wife getting changed after work] you should leave them high heels on
“ohhh yeah?”
[thinking about the spider on the bathroom ceiling] yeah
C’mon, when have I ever let you down? That was rhetorical, actually. Yes, that is a lot. Wow, did not expect you to bring out a chalkboard.
no matter how shitty your morning is at your office job today at least you didn’t underwrite the insurance policy for a cargo ship that took out an $800 million bridge
I asked my 5yo not to do something, and he just smiled maniacally and nodded his head until I gave up. I’m going to try this on my wife.
I did the universal sign for “call me” and my tween gave me a confused look and asked “on a banana?”
I thought maybe we could try to make it on Dateline as a a couple.
“Oh, you’re left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I’m just doing it for show
No you cannot be my boyfriend. I am going steady with bread & we are in love.
Not allowed to stay up past 10:30 or I start Googling things like “how to start donkey sanctuary”