Why stop at biting during sex?
Bite people all the time.
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Hugging helps break the tension with strangers in elevators.
Psychiatrist “Tell me about your trust issues.”
Me “No”
Me: OMG did I tell you about my mom’s Facebook post?
Cop: Not only do you have the right to remain silent, I’m going to have to insist on it
Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.
The thing I hate most about my stationary bike is having to pick it up and turn it around for the return trip
Sure Xfinity internet service is overpriced and spotty but you can’t put a price on unintentionally being dropped from every Zoom meeting.
My whole life is that moment when you send an important e-mail mentioning an attachment without the actual attachment.
I hope George Clooney dumps his wife so he and Brad Pitt can finally be happy together.
Pretty sure it’s easier to break a person out of a maximum security prison than break a Barbie doll out of its package.
Thanks for yelling at me and calling me names on the internet. I have the same opinion as you do now
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
Good vacation so far, aside from the faceless man telling us “You will never leave this island.”
When your divorced parents are forced to sit together at your wedding.
Beep beep
Beep beep beep
Beep beep
Beep
Beep beep beep beep
Road Runner and R2D2 having a conversation
Have kids so they can wake you at 2 a.m. yelling with what you think is a nightmare and your adrenaline spikes as you rush to their room worried and ready to console them but instead find out they’re just complaining that “it’s too boring in here”
I punched my monitor
Now my hand Hz.
Pigeon: the distance a pig travels in one eon
Me 7 hours into an 8 hour car ride: Do you want me to drive?
Husband:
I’m a regular guy just like you. I put my pants on one leg at a time while thinking about how far I could throw each kind of bird while it sleeps.
My white girl power is ability to never putting more than $20 worth of gas in at a time.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who ALREADY TOLD YOU WHERE THE SCISSORS ARE
Surprise your family by quitting your job and becoming a coffee table.
[god inventing cows]
angels: why?
god: cheese
angels: *nodding* cheese
It’s normal to have conflicting feelings on Columbus Day. True, he discovered the Greatest Nation on Earth, but he also supported Obamacare.
Marriage: an institution where having to slightly adjust your mirrors every time you get in your car puts you in a homicidal rage.
Parenting Tip:
Replace the word “nightmare” with “adventure”.
“This common core homework is an adventure for us both!”
“Grandma made us asparagus quiche so we can try an adventure meal!”
“Your endless harmonica practicing will haunt my deepest adventures.”
When I’m dead, I’m going to haunt offices and say, “OooOoo… why are you using your mouse?… hit Control-C… you’re taking forever…”
Me: Define Illegal
Cop: You’re drunk, riding a horse, shooting a gun and yelling ‘For Narnia’
Me: I want my lawyer.
College is expensive, BUT your student ID saves $3 at the movies. So really it pays for itself if you go to the theater 30,000 times.
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they’re not.