i didn’t think at 41 i would be saying “but please don’t tell my parents” as often as i do
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I now know I drink too much. I walked out on my deck and swear I heard a mosquito yell out to his all his friends that the bar just opened.
Schrödinger’s cookie
Oh, you got a promotion? Congratulations! I got a promotion at home: my kids unanimously voted me “the WORST.”
“Lethal Weapon” is my favorite movie about how to fix a dislocated shoulder.
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
blade runner wouldn’t drive anything bc then he’d be blade driver y’all are so stupid.
“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years
Do nudists have anxiety dreams where they show up to events clothed?
If you see a dog locked in a car on a hot day, it’s legal to teach it how to hotwire the vehicle and drive off in search of a better life.
I am dressed in all grey and a man also dressed in all grey just stared at me and for a second I got very nervous that he thought I was him
I meant to type “I look forward to seeing you soon.” Unfortunately, one of our biggest clients is going to receive an email that ends with “I look forward to seeing you poop.”
Me: *gets up to go pee*
My dog: *snaps awake from a dead sleep* FOLLOW YOU INTO THE BATHROOM & KEEP WATCH, GOT IT!
As a responsible parent, I gave my kids a healthy breakfast of strawberries w/ milk & a little sugar…
frozen.
OK IT WAS ICE CREAM!
FitFam?
Note to future self:
Tequila is a liar.
You do not sound exactly like Axl Rose & the people at karaoke will not catch you if you stage dive
*at family function..
*superglues jenga tower
I’ve realized there’s more to life than social media so I guess this is goodbye for the next 12 minutes.
What is wrong with me?!? Asking for a friend..
Considering our obsessions with cats and emojis, the internet really is the new ancient Egypt.
If someone tweets in the bathroom they are live streaming.
He told me to come dressed to kill for our first date…
I now realise my Freddie Krueger outfit was not what he had in mind
Ordered a takeaway and the driver forgot my milkshake, I asked for a refund on the delivery app and it’s asking for a picture of the missing milkshake… I-
Cleaned out my kid’s backpack and found everything I’ve been missing since 1990
A lonely rooster sees neon sign flashing HOT CHICKEN STRIPS, walks into Popeyes and cringes in horror as he drops his dollar bills
I held up a fist for a CW to bump and she kissed my ring. I am now drunk on power and no one is allowed to make eye contact.
Superman and Batman probably had a lot of “capes in the toilet water” accidents when they went to take a dump.
You can only regret what you remember.
-Tequila
My 3yo’s bedtime stories include: “Three-Hour Run-On Sentence,” followed by, “Ask For a Drink 500 Times,” and finally, “You Skipped a Page.”
I went to confession and the priest said, “pics or it didn’t happen.”
All I’m saying is if I’m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.