Hey guys who are angry that women are taking a stand against cat-calling, stop with all that scowling, you look so pretty when you smile!
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Wife: Talk sexy to me
Husband: Commencing garment extraction
W: Huh?
H: Initiating trouser disengagement
W: …
H: Removing unmentionables
Millennials complain a lot about how we can’t afford homes or retirement savings like our parents, but we have a lot of things they didn’t…like GPS, food allergies, adult acne, side hustles, and fluency in mental health terminology.
[first date]
Date: well I had a great time tonight.
Me: me too.
Date: give me a ring sometime.
Me: [pulls out engagement ring I brought just in case we clicked] this was my grandmothers-
Him: can we just go back to how it used to be?
Her: awww. Like the day we met?
Him: No, before that.
They say Life never gives you more than you can handle.
Life seems to have me confused with twelve jugglers.
mom: everyone has to learn to swim
kid: even jesus?
mom: of course
jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* lying’s a sin, brenda
Whenever someone asks me “ what do your tattoos mean?” I just say “garlic bread” . The end.
Family dinners are fun because we start out as a family of 6 & then after everyone gets in trouble for acting up it’s a dinner for two.
1. Ice *check*
2. Ice *check*
3. Baby *calls 911*– Freezer Inspector –
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt hav any chicken so i fried a egg and now im waitig for it to hatch
My kids’ hamster escaped and I found her hiding from them in the closet so I just left her in there because honestly I get it… I get it.
Just want everyone to know this morning I won the argument I was having with someone in my head while in the shower. Feeling good about today
Apparently people mistook my innocent “what street did you grow up on” tweet for data mining.
Which is hysterical in a completely non-Russian bot fabricated to crack your Pinterest password & steal your Dog Sweater Vision Board ideas kind of way.
(genuine human laughter)
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
Me: “It’s important to stay hydrated”
Coastguard: “Not this important: now grab the rope”
You think you’ve brought your kids up right and then you find the toothpaste tube squeezed in the middle.
Do not stop by my house unexpectedly then act surprised when I answer the door in my underwear eating baked beans straight from the can.
Dog: I will do anything for you
Human: drop the ball
Dog: nope
New bird feeders are only attracting low quality dirt birds. How do I get eagles and swans and shit? Two out of five stars.
interviewer: one last question, name the coldest place on earth?
me: my ex’s heart
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: [holding back tears] you’re hired !!!
If you give him the silent treatment, he wins. Instead, voice every single thought that pops into your head until he kills himself.
“Pass the joint.”
-Cannibals at dinner
Kudos to Google for starting a company before you could Google, “How to start a company?”
me: what’s the weather today
weatherman: party sunny
me: and tomorrow?
weatherman: partly cloudy
me: what’s the difference
weatherman:
me:
weatherman: *whispers into tie* he knows too much
[a red dot appears on my forehead]
me: they’re just-
wife: don’t say it
me: …
wife: i mean it
me: …
wife: …
me: lion there
“I have limits.”
As I sit and sip glue from my coffee cup to hold myself together.
This trial is so absurd 😭
If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them
@funTweeters
It’s always fun to put a rainbow bumper sticker on your homophobic friend’s car.