Baby monitors are pointless because most babies simply stop doing illegal shit as soon as they realize you’ve got their room bugged.
You Might Also Like
Kid: *falls down*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *runs into table*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *ball hits them in face*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *drops phone*
Me: OMG, did you break it?!
My mom: I cringe when I hear people say things like “I got my hair did” or “I’m shook”
My niece: ok grammar
Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?
You could never commit the JFK assassination today. You’d be cancelled
Until I became a parent I never thought I would hear another human cry, because they stomped their own hands
I’m just gonna go ahead and change my boys names to “Stop making that stupid noise” and “Where are your shoes?”.
god grant me the serenity to close tabs i know i won’t read, the courage to keep ones open that i will, & the wisdom to know the difference
I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.
Twitter is like a conversation at the water cooler. If the water cooler was full of vodka. And you could smoke. And the boss was out of town
A haunted house but it’s just rooms full of empty candy wrappers because I forgot to hide the candy.
This is from an actual conversation 🤣🤣
Scientist: We don’t really know exactly how that happens. They’re performing electron microscopy, PCR, & tissue cultures to figure it out
Random person: Did you try searching the internet?
For a place called a “holding cell” people sure hate to cuddle.
Sometimes I think my neighbor down the street has pretty good taste when it comes to suits, as I try one on. At other times I think he needs a better home security system
*Pouring nacho cheese over my bowl of cornflakes* No, I wouldn’t say I’ve let quarantine life change me.
Rock bottom is bad, but it still beats scissor bottom.
May I get your name? Yes, its “I’m The Only Person Here Waiting For Coffee.”
If I was Phil Collins I’d rub my belly after every meal and say ‘I’m Full Collins’, then insist everyone either laughed or left my house.
I’m rubber, you’re glue. He’s scissors, she’s a toner cartridge, those fellas are paperclips. Welcome to the supply closet pal.
me: i wonder what geese do at night
goose: [in a surveillance van] dammit we’re running out of time
If pulled pork is pulled apart, can we call sausages “pushed pork?”
“UNLESS WE’RE OUT OF CHEESE THERE’S NO REASON TO SCREAM LIKE THAT!”
– me to my kid whenever he throws a tantrum
If I ever go missing, just follow my kids. They can find me no matter where I try to hide!
finally
boss: my secretary said you needed to see me urgently.
me confident I’ll get the raise I want because I found out his gamer tag: that’s right punished_gordon.
Husband: *trying to thread a needle with far too thick string
Me: That’s not gonna fit, it’s way too big.
H: You’ve said that before, but I have a 7 year old who proves otherwise.
Me: *giggles
7: You guys are being weird again.
My Family: Show us on the doll where you…where you touched yourself.
*I slowly point to the doll’s face, everyone erupts in sobs and wailing*
Bruce Willis: There are four elements, right?
Producer: Go on…
Bruce: What if there was a FIFTH element
Producer: Love it
Bruce: Ok, you know there are five senses…
[Half an hour later]
Producer: Please, I have a family
Bruce: So what if there were TWELVE monkeys?
*hangs a vacant sign on your forehead*
Give a man a fish and he’ll be like,
“Dude I’m allergic to fish.”
TEACH a man to fish and he’ll be like,
“THTOP I THAID IM ALLERGIC TO FITH”
[giving a eulogy for my doctor]
ME: im very sorry that i ate all of those apples