zookeeper: have you folks seen the lions yet?
me: no, not yet!
zookeeper : ok *starts sweating* well stay calm and let someone know if you do
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kinda rude that my bank told me how much money i spent on food this month. what if i didn’t want to know that
Furniture salesperson: Do you see anything you like?
Waldo: Actually yes this red and white couch is quite nice.
Any t-shirt can be an ironic t-shirt if you hate things enough
It’s summer. We’re young. Let’s sneak into someone else’s pool and skinnydip. If we get caught, we stab them and assume their identities.
For main female characters, prom is inevitable. Even if you try to skip it, a perfectly-fitting dress will appear in your life.
Lock the doors, or run far away. No matter where you go, prom will find you.
I love going to the gym this time of year because I’m a perfect example of what years of neglect and nachos can do to a body.
I thought I was a good person until my daughter asked me, “Would you step on a dog for 8 million dollars?”
[Bat symbol lights up Gotham’s sky]
“Gordon needs me, the city needs me.”
[Robin waving flashlight around]
“Oh wow look they need me too.”
Save money on laser removal of ‘love hate’ knuckle tattoos, by changing the last letter to an ‘s’ and developing an interest in millinery.
Once I was driving with my first wife and we got into a screaming match while she was also eating an ice cream cone. I reached my breaking point and slammed on the brakes which made her face go all in the ice cream. This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve ever done
My 6yo is chanting all the words that rhyme with sucker and this is going to end badly in about 3 seconds
I am an ordinary woman with a simple dream: Replace all public water fountains with cascading fountains of melted Brie, Cheddar, maybe Gouda.
I asked my daughter to make me a Pinterest board of what she’d like to redecorate her room and I just opened it up to see nothing but a bunch of pictures of people holding fistfuls of cash
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.
This, like, never happens.
billy joel: *nervously* w-we didn’t start the fire
smokey the bear: *lowers gun* ok good
Me: How much for the Bohemian golf ball?
Clerk: That’s an egg.
My phone got an “extreme cold” alert that said to check on the elderly, and like 5 minutes later the kids next door checked on me. Brutal.
I can really relate to eminem in “8 mile” because my moms spaghetti is really bad too
Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they looked.
Farms in Mexico are measured in Hectors.
Every time my Father in law gets trashed, he asks if I’ve lost weight… So naturally I bring a bottle of scotch every time we visit.
You know spaghetti is done when it leaves and takes the kids
Oh, your kid is in all honors courses. That’s cool. Well, my kids are learning from real life experiences like why we don’t put forks in the microwave.
My doctor told me if I was 5″ taller I’d be at the ideal weight, so I’m going to try and give that a shot.
When you go to the movies first thing you need to do is pour a drink in the seat in front of you so nobody can sit there..
If my body was covered entirely in eyeballs, I still couldn’t look at you enough.
*me being romantic*
My vibe can loosely be described as “needs 2-day shipping for a book I probably won’t read for 7 months”.
I was wondering why I wasn’t picking up any chicks recently, but then I realized my Monster energy sticker fell off my car
My 3 year old wants 3 cookies because he’s 3. So I’m having 36.