“just great, I’ve lost my house my wife is leaving and my kids hate me how can this day get any worse”
-A dinosaur, 66 million years ago
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“I just called to say I love you.”
-Stevie Wonder not understanding how prank calls work
I am ‘being spanked and told to nap is punishment’ years old
*winks*
To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.
This weekend, my wife & I reached our goal of losing 70 pounds together. But we gained it back when we picked up the kids from my parents.
[Wife rubbing her temples after I told her how my job interview went] What…what do you mean, you “tried some breakdancing”?
[Raiding ISIS Safehouse]
Green leader: Area secured. Over
Me: Apple Turn. Over
GL: Wha
Me: Extreme make. Over
GL: Take that guy out too
“Dad this is better than Applebee’s”
Well if you need me I will be over here filling out my MasterChef application.
i can guess how someone will die based on their clothes
date: what about me?
Hawaiian themed bathroom fire
“Hang out with different people everyday so the only person who knows you’ve been wearing the same outfit all week is you” – my fashion blog
this… may be the greatest story ever told
[at the club]
*crawling around on the floor*
HAS ANYONE SEEN MY DIAMOND STUD MAGNETIC EARRING?
My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I’m checking his room for drugs
You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough
Me to fly that won’t leave me alone:
there are gross things in the trash – why are you coming after me?
*slides a cheese slice with my number written on it in your pocket*
The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.
Deciding to work in HR is like choosing to be the dorm RA for the rest of your life
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over.
BLANKET: You were cold?
When someone asks me why I’m leaving the party early, I say “I’m late for an appointment with my pajamas.”
CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!
Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!
beef jerky is more expensive than regular beef pound-for-pound so my salary should increase when i’m dehydrated it’s simple economics
Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.
Got arrested at the farmers market for taking a leek.
[inventor of teapot]
“I want this water to scream”
I’m not one to bet, but I’d put $50 on the fact that the waffle was probably created when someone accidentally stepped on a pancake.
them: I’LL SEE YOU IN COURT
me: *breaking their glasses* no you won’t
My 9: what language does toast speak?
French toast.
I don’t know if there’s a right time for your preschooler to whisper, “are humans made out of meat?” in your ear, but I know that 3 AM is the wrong time.
Me: I don’t think I fit into some box with a label on it.
Serial Killer: *looking disappointed* Are you sure?