if you get caught speeding and a cop asks you “where’s the fire” you can just make up an address. they don’t have a list of current fires.
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Interviewer: what did you bring to the table
Me: in my last job I brought a lot of enthusia-
Interviewer: no what did you just put on my desk
Me: u mean my toad
“Honey, don’t try to feed ice cream to the Christmas tree,” is a thing I literally just said.
If you run out of coffee while someone is telling you a long story, you should be able to reach out, grab the coffee that person is holding & start drinking it, too.
Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a “gym.”
How have I survived a year stuck at home with three kids? Badly. Thanks for asking.
I always eat cake like I’m about to be caught.
Guilt should be a condiment. It goes on everything.
I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids
I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.
12 called me when he was out last week. i answered and he seriously goes “hi. this is seth. your son”. does he already think i have dementia? or worse..DO I AND I DON’T KNOW IT?
reasons why people don’t want to return to offices:
-unpaid travel
-packing lunch
-the bear in the conference room
-dress codes
-the bear stole my lunch
-someone help
-my boss told me to take it up with hr
-it’s eating my sandwich
-code switching
[I open my lunchbox to find a copy of the Magna Carta]
But that means…
[cut to British Library patrons thoughtfully examining a Capri Sun]
i am genuinely afraid for the people who post on the shitty food reddit
“It’s not you, it’s me.” -Twins looking at some family photos
I deleted all my dating apps and I’m planning to meet a new partner the old fashioned way, necromancy.
This is no longer an app but a mishapp
Twitter should come with a “MAY CONTAIN NUTS” warning when you open the app.
I was killing this rap battle until I said orange.
Bored? Find group photo of 4 women on Instagram. Comment “You 3 look incredible!!”
I don’t know at what age I started dressing like the upholstery of my grandma’s plastic wrapped furniture, but here we are.
Me ten years ago: I can’t believe people are giving up their landlines. That’s crazy.
Me today: I can’t believe people still have their landlines. That’s crazy.
*watching a cop walk past during drug deal*
ok relax, just be cool.. “bonjour mademoiselle how much of le methamphetamine dost thou fancy”
[job interview]
“So what are your goals for working here?”
To be home by 5
The only thing I care about is credits where it says the dog is playing themself
pulling petals off a forget-me-not but it’s just me trying to figure out if the weather this weekend is snow or thunderstorms
9y/o: *digging a hole in the backyard* I buried this box, with some coins in it, a few days ago. But as soon as I did I just couldn’t stop worrying about it. I don’t know how pirates do it.
contractor: [looking at a water leak in my office] ok so it’s just a simple fix. you could do it yourself if you wanted to
me: yea i don’t
“IF THE EASTER BUNNY HAD TIME TO HIDE ALL THESE EGGS AROUND THE HOUSE, IT SURE AS HELL HAD TIME TO DO A COUPLE OF LOADS OF LAUNDRY”
I’ve discovered I can turn invisible, but it’s involuntary and only works on bartenders.
Sex is great, but have you ever ate some fries after doing keto for 6 months?