Marriages are like pancakes. Sometimes you gotta throw the first one out
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Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold
I wanna party with whoever decided to ditch their shitstreaked underwear in the bushes at the McDonald’s drive thru.
Him: no one will steal your identity that way
Me [disposing of old underwear by cutting it into strips like a credit card over a trashcan]: you don鈥檛 know that
Elevator rides in real life: 30 seconds long
Elevator rides in movies: Two minutes long
Dear plastic wrap,
I wish you鈥檇 cling to something other than yourself.
– me
I’m at the bar & I’m trying to convince this girl with a leopard print shirt to go & bite this girl with a zebra print shirt.
May your day taste like creamy soup.
I hate it when I’m in a rage and suddenly remember I’m not wealthy so I can’t hurl expensive bone china into the fireplace.
馃ぃ馃槇馃ぃ
Wanted:
1 Psychic.You know who you are.
Control this is astronaut Douglas sending transmission from the Milky Way..we have no signs of chocolate..or caramel..I’d like to come home
Updating my dating profile….
My husband isn’t being as helpful as I’d hoped tbh
i love when they put tiny pieces of plastic grass in my grocery store sushi to simulate its natural habitat before i eat it
Realtor: this house is cursed
Me: *scared of the supernatural* oh no
Realtor: WITH AN EXTREMLY REASONABLE MARKET PRICE
Me: oh ok
Realtor: on account of the bleeding walls and ritual sacrifices
Me: Oh No
Me to a friend: *complains for ten straight minutes without taking in a breath* but I really can’t complain
Robin: Well, I’m a terrible fighter. I get held hostage hella easy. I say “holy” literally about anything that happens
Batman: You’re hired
*stops by new neighbor*
Welcome, I brought you a cake!
-Wow, thank you! You know, you didn’t have to do that!
Oh, ok.
*walks away with cake*
Love it! 馃憤馃槀
Have kids so you can get weird compliments like “You look nice in that dress, like a Saturday raisin.”
Watching Mad Men with my girlfriend and trying to distract her every time Don Draper is on screen
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 10 years
Me: idk Where do you see YOURSELF in 10 years
Interviewer: i don鈥檛 wanna say it鈥檚 embarrassing lol
Me: come on what if we say it at the same time
Interviewer: ok deal
Me: ok, 3..2..1
In sync: making furniture for hamsters
My phone battery dies faster than a black guy in a horror movie.
Meghan Trainor songs:
-All About That Bass
-Flounder’s Good Too
-Also I Like Shrimp
-Wait, I’m a Vegan
-All About That Kale
If you were a tree you’d be a bonsai, and if you were mine you’d be dead by now.
How old are you?
Me: *panics*
Me: *trying to math it out*
Me: *forgets birth year*
Me: * forgets current year*
Me: *runs away*
First date
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m currently trying to eliminate all cancers
Her: Wow, impressive
Him: Then I’ll move on to Virgos
Day two of homeschooling.
I am leaving my student to fend for herself, so I may hunt for essentials. Like more wine.
Me: how are you feeling about all of this?
Husband: i dunno. i feel like the cold hand of death is upon me.
Me. *pulling back my dried, shriveled, over washed hands* oh, ya, ya. sounds like you鈥檙e a goner.
Son: Thanks for the dating advice
Her: HE gave you dating advice?
Me: Hey! I know a thing or two about women
Her: Name one
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: Well?
Me: Give me a minute