Actually, not all of the creatures from Jurassic Park were from the Jurassic period. Jeff Goldblum, for example. He’s from now.
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“Don’t turn on the news”
Me as a therapist
i know it’s been said a billion times but literally everything about Brendan Fraser is fantastic
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
911 – 911 what’s your emergency
Me – I am Australian and I watch too much American TV
911 – ….
Me – I don’t know our emergency number
This bottle of vodka was on sale.
So yes, I will party like it’s $19.99.
[frisky in the bedroom]
Me: yeah, hurt me 😏
Her: Parks & Rec is better than The Office!
ME: where’s Jim
GUY: your guess is as good as mi—
ME: the moon
GUY: ok no
My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.
My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned.
She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.
LADY: this spaghetti is a little overdone
SERVER: you’re a DOG
You bring an airhorn *one time* and suddenly you’re banned from bar trivia
We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.
Spring chickens aren’t as comfy as memory foam chickens.
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME: I think the router has reset now
GF: Oh thank God
Pal: That’s an impressive stingray. How’d you catch it?
Me:*flashes back to being dressed as girl stingray* You know, the regular way.
my gf left me cuz i’m insecure
never mind she’s back she went pee
Masseuse: happy ending?
Me: oh yeah*20 minutes later
Masseuse: …and then Tom Hanks shows up in the park and yells the dog’s name, and Meg Ryan just knows he’s the one she loved all along…
Me: OMG their love is so pure 😭
wife: What would you do if one of the boys told you he was gay?
me [trying to find the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.
Elliott didn’t care about E.T. He just wanted a flying bike.
Me: Goodnight angel.
9: Tomorrow I need a short red wig and dress like Ed Sheeran for spirit day.
I think that next job interview I conduct I’m going to ask the candidate “What is best in life?”
If they don’t answer “To crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women,” then hard pass.
Every time I eat a banana in public, a stranger offers me money to do it in private.
I ate 32 bananas today & made $725.
I have diarrhea.
It’s offensive when people unfollow me just because I unfollowed them. My tweets are still good, yours are not.
[Plastic surgeon’s office]
Duck: this is bullshit! *flies out window*
Secretary: what the hell was that?
Plastic Surgeon: He was upset about his bill
A new study shows that drinking two to three coffees a day can lower the risk of heart problems. Because who has time for heart problems when they have constant daytime stress diarrhea?
The walk of shame but it’s my toddler handing back his string cheese because he could not in fact open it himself
Waiter, there appears to be a red bandana in my turtle soup.
The “research” scene in every horror movie
If it says “typing” for more then 2 minutes… you’re gonna have a bad time.