I am crying
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How bad is it for Prince Andrew? Under today’s Royal Decree he’s banned from eating Burger King, Dairy Queen or Duke’s Mayo.
so loyal to apple products that the only birth control I use is the iUD
Prime Day landing on the same day I get my period?
I need a bigger cart
As long as the stupid phrase “interracial relationship” exists, I’m going to refer to same race ones as a “color-coordinated relationship.”
I cant use facebook cuz everyone making popular comment I wish I thought of first, like “thank God it Friday!” or “Im pregnant of baby”
living with your parents
pros: it’s free
cons: everything else
Seek kebab; not attention
If they worked, nobody would own more than one self-help book.
This made me smile to an unreasonable degree 😂
wife: I found a hypnotist who can fix our oldest sons disobedience & dandruff
me: [nodding] a good heir conditioner
The second world war should have been called world war returns
Got the trays mixed up after dinner at a Chinese place. Ate the check & paid a fortune.
[After Big Jewel Heist]
“We did it! We got away! Everything went to plan”
ME(holding my grappling hook I didn’t get to use): Yea it was ok
[serial killers talking] Anyway I stood there for like 10 minutes, but she never wiped the steam off the bathroom mirror so I just left
“Full of sound and fury signifying nothing.”–how I told my wife the baby was gassy but didn’t have poop. Thanks, English degree.
optimus prime: [doing standup] i just flew in from new york and boy are my arms tires
I don’t always make up big words but when I do I make them completely uninformystical.
If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.
Old stoners don’t die. They blow this joint.
They’re upping my charges from prank bomb to non-Arab terrorism.
The monster under my bed sleeps with one leg out from under the blankets too.
*Tweets funniest tweet ever
*Dies laughing
*Over 6 billion die laughing
*Germany and Russia survive
*Coz nobody left to explain the joke
After Samsung phones, now Samsung washing machines are exploding. Samsung is now the third biggest nuclear power after US and Russia.
Not my circus. Not my monkeys. But I’m 99% positive I know those clowns.
My favorite doll’s husband was made by me, of a shampoo bottle and a ping pong ball. Good guy, but he just couldn’t stop losing his head over things. Literally
I say elections should be decided with an old fashioned game of dodge ball.
Shortly after firing up my Toro Power Sweep, I begin thinking of myself as a “leaf herder” and realize I need to get out more often.
Really, IKEA? No free WiFi? Or do I have to buy one and assemble it?
Sometimes I feel unnecessary and too much. But then I get a pack of pencils delivered from Amazon in a box big enough to fit a washing machine in and I feel better.
I don’t like coconut so I don’t eat coconut. I don’t follow coconut around criticizing its texture or taste or tweets or sense of humor.