4-year-old: Are hot dogs made from real dogs?
Me: Would you eat them if they were?
4: No!
Me:
4: Unless I had ketchup.
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God: i’m sorry but the answer is no.
Butterfly: please?
God: I can’t do it.
Butterfly: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but a Toastfly is just too ridiculous.
Butterfly: ok fine : (
Jellyfish: he wouldn’t make me a Peanutbutterfish either.
me: I’m becoming very forgetful lately
doctor: can you give me an example
me: of what
My favorite part of yesterday was when the cashier at Whole Foods couldn’t price an item & said “Here just take it I hate this fuckin place”
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
The cool thing about having young kids is that they will straight up tell you which parent they love more without anyone even asking.
me: most dust is human skin flakes therefore roombas are carnivorous robots and one day the dust won’t satiate them anymore so they will rise up and devour us all
therapist: can we go back to discussing your childhood
me: one sec
The angel on my shoulder says I should be doing more with my life.
Wait, no, that’s just my mom talking. I forgot I left my phone there.
Almost every branch of science has a pseudoscience associated with it: chemistry and alchemy, astronomy and astrology, math and economics…
She: But WHY are you breaking up with me? Please tell me honestly.
He (sigh): Ok It’s…your “signature sex move”
She: Judgmental Corpse?
Let he who is without sin, get the hell away from me.
“Waiter, I’d like to send this back”
-m’am, I believe that’s your husband.
Oh, you’re a parent? Then how many times have you moved a cup back from the edge of the table this week?
Kids look forward to recess.
Adults look forward to Reese’s.
Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you
Praying that Donald Trump is really just Ashton Kutcher performing his most elaborate prank yet.
I melted down all my various rewards cards into a universal “Rewards Dagger” that gets me a discount everywhere.
I overheard my daughter asking the little boy next door, “Are you the opposite sex, or am I.”
My daughter and I were in a drive thru and the lady said, “She headed to a photo shoot?” And I said, “She’s actually on her way to court.”
She looked surprised so I said, “She’s not in trouble, she’s a lawyer.” And she said, “Well if she was in trouble she wouldn’t be for long.”
*still laughing at a real estate ad I saw yesterday for a beautiful farmhouse “off the beating path”*
when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo
Paid $75 to take the family to the zoo so my toddler could ooh and ahh over a caterpillar in the parking lot.
I like my coffee like my men…not in my colon…
Am I the most attractive woman out there ? Of course not. But do I have a good personality ? Well, no. But do I wake up every day and try to be the best person that I can be ? Also no.
Long underwear is the fur that God forgot to give us.
sorry for pooping with the door open but I couldn’t hear the barista
With the passing of Hugh Hefner, we must now turn the page on an American icon.
*Pages stick together
When you’ve lost your own gloves & just grab the first pair that turn up.
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
Me: oh wow, this shop has everything my heart desires!
Spooky shopkeeper: yes, I will warn you… every item comes with a price.
Me: yes, I know how shops work
Please don’t ask me to repeat myself I wasn’t listening either