“Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” would be a better show if the only contestants were billionaires.
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CW: Have you had 5 guys?
Me: *blank stare* That’s kinda personal don’t ya think?
And that’s when I found out it’s the name of a burger joint
Playing dodgeball with kids is harder than it looks cause you have to throw them with both hands.
What if we all do not exist and God is alone just imagining us?
[deathbed]
ME: Dear?
WIFE: I’m here…don’t worry, all your affairs are in order
ME: You found out about my affairs?
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.
*brings empty Cheetos bag to the pharmacy for a refill*
Barbies and voodoo dolls are not interchangeable. I know this. My daughter knows this.
My daughter’s enemies? You better believe they know this.
Mmmm canned fish.
bolsonaro eating kfc for the first time then immediately being rushed to the hospital is more evidence for my theory that the american gut biome is uniquely strong and the primary tool we have to maintain our dominance as a world superpower into the 21st century
scares
Q. Where did Capt. Hook buy his prosthesis?
A. At a secondhand store.
I’m starting to suspect that all these women with “princess” on their license plate frames are not really princesses at all.
If everything gets better with age, explain why this dead body keeps smelling worse and worse
today my sister said “I thought of you because I saw the stupidest tweet. just the dumbest freaking tweet” this went on for ten minutes
Me: Facebook is trying to silence me!!!
My wife: no I just changed ur password because you kept replying “wow…really??” to all our friends posts
Him: The kids and I had a game night. There was a good bit of arguing and some crying.
Me: Oh? …how did the kids behave?
Mom: Take out the trash
*I take the trash on a lovely date*
Mom: Not what I meant
*I assassinate the trash in an ally*
Mom: Still wrong
Sorry I haven’t been able to get back to you, I’ve been pretty busy chasing this cherry tomato around my plate with a fork. Almost. Got. It.
forgot to decorate for halloween so just gave my 7yo a pomegranate to eat and voilà! murder scene
the passive aggression of Snapchat asking “do you want to abandon your snapsterpiece?” and forcing you to click “abandon” like sorry I’m not carrying this picture of my bagel to term, I had a moment of clarity and remembered literally no one needs to see this
The more we travel into the mountains the more little critters I see. A rabbit will run across the road, then a squirrel, then a crab. What?
Boss: Why were you tardy this morning?
Me: I don’t think we’re supposed to call people that any more.
[being held back by fireman as i try to run back in the house during earthquake]
“MY ETCH A SKETCHES”
in lieu of flowers call my wife and pretend to be me from beyond the grave. my d.o.b. is 5/24 and my mom’s name is kathy.
Barber: ok that will be $900
Chewbacca: (chewbacca noise)
my one true gender
I’ve been trying to cancel a print job since November.
Y’all. My kids are in the bathroom plotting to stay up until midnight and have NO CLUE I can hear EVERY word of their plan to “sneak into the pantry and eat a ton of sugar”🙄
To be continued…
Sometimes I think my neighbor down the street has pretty good taste when it comes to suits, as I try one on. At other times I think he needs a better home security system
marriage advice: if you ask “is that guy a double agent?” enough times your husband will hand you the remote.