When life gives me lemons, I make lemon meringue pie..because lemonade is for amateurs…& because I’m gay..& we always take it up a notch.
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Turn off autocorrect?
Challinje aceptid.
Good Friday. No. Stop, I said no. NO. BAD FRIDAY. BAD.
I hate when people do that thing in traffic that I also do.
I can’t believe they get women to pay so much for those boots & can’t even spell ‘Ugly’ right…
i turned 40 and suddenly i can’t see shit if i drive at night and it’s raining. Is the lane still there? Idk. Did the road disappear? Idk. Am I even on the road anymore? Nope.
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
I think more people would subscribe to Twitter Blue if we could edit other people’s tweets
“Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”
– me, peeping at you in the shower
*wakes up the guy next to me* wow theres a sleepy boy here on this plane haha. Im on business myself. tryin to see if iceland is made of ice
I thought the English would use more sophisticated gifs but, sadly, no. Nothing Dickensian or Shakespearean. Just lots of Hugh Grant shrugging.
Cleaning kitchen knives
Thought of you
I keep my eyes in great shape by rolling them constantly.
At this point the delivery guy is at my house so often he could babysit
*rage dresses
*rage stomps down stairs
*rage closes neighbors banging garbage can lid flapping in wind
*rage stomps upstairs
*rage undresses
I’ve never been addicted to drugs, but I imagine the urge is what my mother-in-law feels to rearrange my utensil drawer at my house.
DOG: [looking out the window] wat a beautiful mornimg! the sky is grey, the grass is grey, the birds are grey and readey to eat,
Friend: Don’t you recycle?
Me: I do what I can.
F: What about the seals?
M: Am I responsible for their recycling, too?!
Avoid cars that have a sign saying ‘baby on board’. That driver has only had a couple of hours sleep and is likely to be suicidal.
Me: *holds up my phone showing my tweet has a total of 6 favorites*
Bouncer: you still can’t go in
interviewer: any interests outside of work
me: war and space documentaries
mom: he means star wars
me: mom stay in the car
mom: nerd
The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare
I yell “5 second rule”when ever a girl sits on the ground.
They say you should do at least one thing each day that frightens you. Today that will be laundry.
I hope I’m not overthinking this.
(six days later)
Nah I’m probably not.
If you think I can be won over by a large Toblerone, then you, my friend, are correct.
im all 3
*takes an exam in a coffin*
*passes*
Hi, I’m Megan. You may know me from such public encounters with kids as “No, YOUR face is stupid” and “I didn’t trip you, you fell”.
First date: *puts entire onion ring in mouth* If yo’lik et ven yo’shoulla puh a wring owh it.
How many push-ups is too many when meeting your girlfriend’s dad for the first time?